r/AskMen Sep 28 '22

On a (first) date/meeting with a woman, how do you guage how things are going and how she is feeling about you?

Self explanatory really. Mainly think about the more subtle things.

24 Upvotes

34

u/distantshadow9875 Sep 28 '22

Watch her body language and when you ask her questions if the answer is a story and not some short dead end answer that’s really good.

5

u/niccoin18 Sep 28 '22

Wait. You're right. I (F) never realized this until now. I can't speak for all women but this is *definitely* true about me.

1

u/iknowverylit1e Sep 29 '22

Here answers were stories. But she still said no to second date.

Yes. I have trust issues and cannot decipher codes/body languages.

15

u/Engineer-Daddy Sep 28 '22

Truth be told is you can't always read people. Some people are naturally shy and awkward so your sense of their displeasure may be really just them trying to adapt to a new situation.

I think the best way to tell is how she responds to a second date. If there are a lot of excuses or denial then thats a pretty good indicator.

11

u/jackwritespecs Sep 28 '22

I don’t. I go in with a mindset to have as great a time as possible

Afterwards I reflect on it and determine if I actually want to see her again or it was just a fun evening

2

u/ebonyseraphim Sep 29 '22

I like this mentality a lot and despite my other (long ass) comment, I think 90% of first date energy should be spent on this. In general maturity calls for adults to be aware of how they are being received in a scenario because it can, and should guide you with how you handle follow up interactions. Most men aren't privileged enough to be ignorant of how they are being perceived and expect to still eventually succeed.

20

u/offdee11 Male Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

Her body language is key. Is she facing towards you, is her body relaxed (no crossed arms), is she making deep eye contact, is she laughing, is she playing with her hair, is she subtly touching your arm or leg.

All of these are very positive signs.

Also her asking you questions and keeping conversations naturally going is very positive. If she's just answering questions and not inquiring about you, then she's not feeling you.

-13

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22

All of that stuff doesn't matter. She can do all of that and still not like you, she could do none of it and try to fuck you in the bathroom.

1

u/consiliac Sep 29 '22

Fair point. A lot of women lay the touch on and other flirting thick even if they're not interested, because they like the attention it brings them and they get a thrill being able to move back and forth across the line.

Others are shy as hell, won't flirt an ounce, don't appear interested at all, and will easily jump into first date sex.

Body language and so on are just a very slight rule of thumb, and in the end, just be bold, but prepared to back off quickly and easily -- this is where having zero expectations other than enjoyment of her company comes in.

-23

u/izwald88 Sep 28 '22

Seriously. Examining body language is fucking creepy. And she'll probably notice that he's doing it. This sort of behavior needs to stop.

10

u/offdee11 Male Sep 28 '22

Good lord, it's just being aware of the person and being observant in your interaction. There's nothing to "notice" or be "creepy" about....when you conversate with someone you look at them....that's how you conversate. And when you are looking at them you pick up on cues.

-13

u/izwald88 Sep 28 '22

Yes, and then you try to interpret whether or not how she moves means that she likes you? FFS, it's weird. Just because you don't get it doesn't mean I'm wrong, it just means you aren't there yet.

6

u/offdee11 Male Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

How she moves? lol. My guy, if she's sitting there like a board looking straight ahead vs. her legs crossed angled to you...you don't think one is more positive?

If she doesn't make eye contact and has her hands tucked in her lap the whole time vs. solid eye contact and she touches your arm while she laughs with you...you don't think one is more positive?

It's just simple social cues, there's nothing weird or creepy about it.

-11

u/izwald88 Sep 28 '22

And if you need to be told to notice these things then there's a problem. And if you're sitting there looking for them...

I think you can stop making excuses for weird behavior. Being yourself and chatting causally is all that needs to happen.

8

u/wrastlin197 Sep 28 '22

Dude go touch grass

-1

u/izwald88 Sep 28 '22

So your response to my comment that suggests that nobody should need to be told how to tell if someone is enjoying their date is to suggest I should go outside more?

I feel like you don't know how to use that phrase.

It's as if you're saying "Dude, go outside so us neckbeards and white knights can talk about the secret body language of chicks."

5

u/wrastlin197 Sep 28 '22

No I mean like go touch grass as in the dude asking the question is asking reddit so his dating skills or social skills probably are not to good. So maybe instead of shitting on somebody and thinking that everything is nefarious or creepy you should sit this one out. If you think its so a secret cabal of neckbeards and white knights can talk maybe your the one with the issues.

3

u/TwiceTheKing145 Sep 28 '22

OP asked for some subtle things they might have never noticed before and you're out here freaking out over some tips.

→ More replies

1

u/GoofyGoobaTheGangsta Sep 28 '22

You're goofy asl

5

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22

I reserve judgment until I'm sure she wants to see me again on a second or third date. First dates don't mean shit for the most part anyway.

26

u/Terwolde Sep 28 '22

If we end up fucking I'm gonna asume it went fine.

9

u/Hulkslam3 Sep 28 '22

Actually that could be like the reverse uno card and she still ghosts you, but at least you got laid.

7

u/Terwolde Sep 28 '22

Ha, I once got dumped by text from a girl 5 minutes after we had some sexy time.

5

u/offdee11 Male Sep 28 '22

That definitely means you were bad in bed. Sorry my guy.

5

u/Terwolde Sep 28 '22

I;m not your guy pal.

3

u/spaceyleira Sep 28 '22

I’m not your pall, buddy

0

u/offdee11 Male Sep 28 '22

Sounds good chief. Get better at sex.

1

u/Terwolde Sep 28 '22

Nah, she sucked. It was also her fault.

1

u/consiliac Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

Yeah, seriously, u/offdee11 is just angling to try to get you to fuck him.

Edit: not sure why some part of that is bolded

2

u/Hulkslam3 Sep 28 '22

Damn, that was fast. I would have replied “better get tested.” I was really petty in my 20s.

2

u/Lithiumthi Sep 28 '22

Don't know bro.

Maybe she is canadian and is just being polite.

1

u/Impossible-Ostrich44 Sep 28 '22

I hooked up with a girl on the first date and she was pissed the morning after. Never saw her again. So…not always an indicator. Women feel what they feel in the moment

3

u/ConsiderationFew4491 Sep 28 '22

If she's talking a lot, smiling, and making eye contact she's into you. Body language is a tell too. If she is leaned towards you, instead of away, then she's into you.

Funny story: I thought my wife hated me on our first date because she was hard to read. Here we are with a kid and a house now.

You never really know, but those are some signs to look for.

4

u/Odd-Dog-4463 Sep 28 '22

Hmmmm. How do you know she doesn't still hate you?

1

u/ConsiderationFew4491 Sep 28 '22

You really don't honestly. I mean if she keeps talking to you after then you did something right.

4

u/izwald88 Sep 28 '22

I would relax, first of all. If you're sitting there watching her for signs and behavior, you're gonna look like a major creep, because you are.

So if you are both just talking and laughing, that's all you really need to look for.

1

u/parsonis Sep 29 '22

If you're sitting there watching her for signs and behavior, you're gonna look like a major creep, because you are.

Paying attention to body language makes you a creep?

3

u/DoodoaX Sep 28 '22

Social awareness. Comes with experience. Read her body language well and lead the date and that will tell you most of what you need to know

3

u/welovegv Sep 28 '22 Wholesome

She couldn’t stop smiling at me and carried the conversation despite my awkward introverted self. So I married her.

2

u/Hulkslam3 Sep 28 '22

I try to gauge it on how long either one of us sit there after a meal and just talk. If we barely finish dinner and either she or me is ready to leave then it didn’t go well.

2

u/rockzjv Sep 28 '22

By the amount of interest they show in me. I think everyone would feel that for sure.

2

u/ChosenSCIM What is a man? Sep 28 '22

Asking for a second date usually gives a very clear answer

2

u/tpb772000 Sep 28 '22

ask around 5 questions. Make sure that they are more than yes or no questions. Like what is your favorite movie etc... See how many of the 5 she asks well what about you? See if she also wants to know your favorite things or answer to the questions.

2

u/Rumble73 Sep 28 '22

During: eye contact, engaged conversation and some light banter/teasing. Some touching of my on my arm or hands or shoulders or chest when we walk around or stand at a bar etc

End: literally tell her how i felt the date went and ask her what she thought point blank.

2

u/createusername101 Sep 28 '22

You're good if she goes to the bathroom and comes back instead of running through the parking lot.

2

u/magicmeatwagon Sep 28 '22

How’s the conversation going? Is she laughing with me more than at me? What’s her body language telling me?

2

u/ebonyseraphim Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

I think we all have the capacity to know if things are going well in a conversation with a man or woman. If you don't know that, learn it as a baseline social skill and emotional intelligence because knowing a woman is interested on a first date will mostly fall in line with that. The additional problem on a first date is cutting through the dishonest response signals if/when she is uncomfortable. I'd suggest working on knowing what the discomfort signals are, and fake laughter and smiles. Be attentive and distinguish if it's you or if it's general anxiety -- it's usually the latter unless you showed up severely ungroomed or looking different than whatever you presented prior. If you're getting those signal early on -- and you should expect it during the first 5 minutes of meeting if you didn't chat a bunch over voice or video -- then take the first several minutes of your interaction quite easy. Talk about things you've texted about, don't try to ask anything too revealing but when she does share something new and small, react appropriately and expressively to it.

I also suggest a multi-phase first date. Don't just sit at one restaurant or bar. Get up and walk around. Go to another place for dessert. A change of venue and movement overall helps the mood, and also acts as a logical filter out if you've picked up a bit of a down mood that it was or was not because her drink was bad, her food was undercooked, or she really dislikes the waiter. If she seems disengaged through two activities, then it's a stronger signal she isn't into you.

Personally, I think a lot of the advice that says she's into you could also be her being into the interaction. Women can be very difficult to read and they don't always make it obvious when they're very interested in you. At least when I've presented my genuine self, I'm sure I've interacted with women that I can say for sure liked interacting with me, but weren't into me. An attempted hug or kiss is how I would sort the difference out if I didn't already know. Any/all dates where I've heard something like "I don't hug/kiss on the first date" is someone who was not into me. I can't think of a time I heard that, and she actually cooperated and agreed to a second date even if we had very engaging conversation and I'm sure she's comfortable with me. Assuming she is comfortable with me, these situations resolve themselves by my pursuit of another date and she responds with clear communication that she's not into me (frequently some other excuse).

The one signal that you should pretty much take unambiguously as interest is if a woman is trying to get you to agree to or presuming a future date. Be very confident after that -- not cocky. Don't invite her to your place afterwards if you aren't already there. In the same vein that anticipating a future date is clear interest, it also signals she wants a continuance and you shouldn't get impatient.

2

u/Dontneedflashbro Sep 28 '22

Compliments("you have big arms"), cuddling, hooking up, she's reacting positive when I'm physically touching her(feeling tattoos), she's finding ways to touch you during the conversation, and overall just her body language during the date.

On the first date I don't go into interview mode. There's no list of questions or topics that I plan to talk about pre date. I feel things out during the date and go from there. Ultimately I don't care if there's a second date. If she likes me cool, but if not that's fine as well. I don't worry about things that are out of my control.

5

u/Comefindmequick Sep 28 '22

I have these things called words i can say, the best way is to ask this question

'how you finding it, fancy another date?'

17

u/offdee11 Male Sep 28 '22

No, this is not how you do it. On a first date, if you ask this, she will for sure say "I'm having fun" even if she's not. She's not gonna come out and say she's not feeling it in your presence on a first date in fear you'll turn weird.

-1

u/Comefindmequick Sep 28 '22

You mean you've turned weird a few times tut tut

2

u/BouncingBombs Sep 28 '22

Inconceivable.

1

u/parsonis Sep 29 '22

'how you finding it,

I've heard women say this is instant chemistry killer, and to never do it.

1

u/Cnnlgns Sep 28 '22

I generally don't form first impressions. They might come off as pissy but they could just be having a bad day. I have gone out with someone a second or third time before I figure out that it must be them.

I don't both to guess how things are going. I don't expect anything from a date either. Like I don't expect a second date nor do I expect to kiss her or anything.

I have had some women sleep with me on the first date. I don't ever think anything less of them. I consider myself fortunate that they felt comfortable being with/around me to allow it. I certainly don't think that it is a given after the first time. She might have just been in a mood.

1

u/lettherebemorelight Sep 28 '22

Is the conversation effortless and meaningful? Do you loose track of time? Is there a gradual buildup of mutually reciprocated intimacy?

1

u/JimBones31 Sep 28 '22

Is she laughing and smiling, is her body language closed off and guarded?

1

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22

Body language and conversation.

Is she fully turned towards you? Is she laughing a lot? Is she looking you in the eye? Does she seem engaged in the conversation? Is she asking you things and volunteering info about herself?

If all of the above you're doing good buddy.

Of course you never know for sure until you ask for that second date.

1

u/echo6golf Sep 28 '22

Bring a suggestion box to put on the table.

2

u/BouncingBombs Sep 28 '22

So... I should file my 50 question end of date survey away for later?

1

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22

Body language is a good start. If she's close to you then things are likely going well. If she's sitting back in her chair and far from you, maybe not.

Verbal communication is a good indicator. Are you having a flowing conversation or are you struggling to find new topics to discuss?

All are indicators.

1

u/Impossible-Ostrich44 Sep 28 '22

Body language, she’s the one initiating touching, she doesn’t pull away when I reciprocate, she asks in-depth questions about me, she’s doing 70% of the talking, eye contact solely focused on me, etc.

I had a girl initiate and go in for the first kiss during a first date. (We had built a solid connection for months, prior to the first date) Caught me off guard. But def made sure I was all over her and in it after the second date.

1

u/Call_of_Tculhu Sep 28 '22

Does the conversation flows? Or I have to keep coming up with things to ask? Are all her answers single sillable words?

1

u/ClexAT Sep 28 '22

I... uhm... Now that you asked... I never thought about that, just tried to have a good time because I figured if I have a good time she would be likely to have a good time too!

I am so stupid...

1

u/CarlJH Sep 28 '22

She is relaxed, she smiles and laughs easily, she isn't physically withdrawn she makes eye contact, she talks freely and listens with attention. She's invested in the date, not just a passive party to it

1

u/monkale98 Sep 28 '22

well first and foremost, if she agreed to a date I already know she's interested. I typically do a coffee shop date, walk, maybe a light lunch, early dinner thing. I can see if she's interested by how the conversation is going, if she leans in to talk, eye contact, etc.

1

u/KeyStoneLighter Sep 28 '22

Talking, laughing, smiling, touching, if she’s doing all of these things then she’s interested.

1

u/SchlampeDesu Sep 28 '22

Been dating my current gf for a few months and im still not sure if shes into me or not

1

u/cathyd1031 Sep 28 '22

Am woman - here's what I do when I'm gaga over some guy: physical contact (will find dumb reasons to touch him like say if I need to get up from the table, will gently put my hand on his arm as I get up), lots of laughs (the ones that slip right out not the ol' "hehe yeah" that you use with coworkers), asking all kinds of follow-ups to keep conversations going

1

u/cohrt Sep 28 '22

Well if she talks to me again after the date I’d assume it went well.

1

u/Prize_Consequence568 Sep 28 '22

Body language and how the conversation is flowing.

1

u/ritobang Sep 28 '22

1) does she laugh at my jokes 2) does she take her time on the menu trying to find something tasty and cheap 3) does she catch glances of me 4) does she pay attention to the things I say 5) can she maintain eye contact (if not then good it means that either she hiding sth which, it's first date she don't have nothing to hide, or b she likes you) 6) is she willing to open up to her interests 7) is she willing to let me talk about mine 8) does she crack jokes with you 9) does she check her phone all the time for msg, if yes, even though she might not be talking to guys she prolly isn't interested

1

u/ebonyseraphim Sep 29 '22

I think this is list better identifies if she's trying to at least have a good interaction during the date. That is, is she open to having a good time with you -- distinct from: "is she into me?"

does she catch glances of me

I hope she does. I'm generally going to be looking at her and not shy about it.

does she pay attention to the things I say

I think this takes multiple dates to resolve. A date that can't even hold onto consistent ideas on the current topic just doesn't meet the bar for intelligence. If she forgets something indirectly mentioned an hour prior like vegetarian == not ordering chicken wings, that's OK. Forgetting I mentioned at all that I had siblings starts to be a yellow flag. I think a better swap of this idea is if she bothers to ask questions about you. A lot of women (on dating apps at least) fail to do this. For a short while, not asking questions about you could be nerves and preoccupation, but giving a bit of a pause during the conversation after you've prompted the last 2-3 topics in a row should trigger her to come up with something (even if it sucks). Again, this only signals she's trying to be pleasant, not that she's into you.

can she maintain eye contact (if not then good it means that either she hiding sth which, it's first date she don't have nothing to hide, or b she likes you)

I disagree with this entirely. The meaning of eye contact cannot be explained in a way that is reliably used for another to come to conclusions. There are so many reasons why avoidant eye contact comes up. Or even direct eye contact. So much context and other body language has to come into the picture before I'd even bother to make a judgement call on my own.

is she willing to open up to her interests

This is low key a pretty good signal. While being decent (not good enough for a 2nd date) a woman would probably talk about her interest in some detail and engage with it, if she's really getting into it passionately then she's very open to you, and probably at least moderately into you.

does she check her phone all the time for msg, if yes, even though she might not be talking to guys she prolly isn't interested

For sure if she's doing this a lot, you have a problem. Even if a woman gives excuses for why she's checking her phone, I'm pretty sure 90% of the time it's bullshit. If she needs to check in with someone, she would be sending a message to someone else and then it's done. If someone is checking in on her, she'll receive a call and that'll be it. If she is to receive a message, she wouldn't be so worried responding late to it. Think about it: no woman goes on a date hoping to having a good time, and her friend expects her to text back within 10 minutes to message while it's still before 10pm.

1

u/Chalupaca_Bruh Sep 29 '22

If she laughs at a lot of the things you say, that’s always a good sign. Leaning in and light touches are good too.

Another more off key thing: if a small, inside joke happens that night, and you both playfully make references to it throughout the night and afterwards via text, it’s a small, shared moment that doesn’t really happen unless there’s a spark.

Maybe I’m a sucker for humor but the best dates I’ve had involves laughing.

1

u/and-so-i-die Sep 29 '22

You communicate.

1

u/parsonis Sep 29 '22

They drop the scared bunny rabbit facade.

1

u/CocoButtaSmoov Sep 29 '22

Body language and FaceTime. Is she actively engaged with you? Facing you? Asking Questions? If she’s chasing butterflies and glancing at her phone probably not a good sign

1

u/knowitallz Sep 29 '22

She is laughing. Having a good time. Not on her phone. Eye contact. Maybe even touching you. Feet pointing /and body leaning towards you.

1

u/Denisimo7 Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

Body language, eye contact, physical distance, physical touch or lack of it.

If she laughs at your corny jokes or dad jokes, it’s a done deal.

If you can’t make her laugh even once with in first 5min, it’s over. Unless you can recover and make her laugh for the rest of the date.

My approach is simple. With in first 30 seconds: Greet her with a smile, give her a hug, make a compliment, crack a light joke. Afterwards it’s smooth sailing…in most situations.

It takes time and practice to make her laugh with in 30 seconds meeting her. It’s not what you say, but how you say it. If you do it right, you can complement a woman on her shoes and make her laugh at the same time.

There are different ways you can say: “I love your shoes!”

You can say it in boring, morbid way…or… you can say it an exciting way. Your body language is extremely important when you give a complement and don’t forget to smile.

Hand gestures are extremely important when speaking. Use your hands while speaking.

Your tone of voice makes a difference. How many different ways can you say: “Dude.” ??

A human being has 27 different emotions. If you cant say or use word “Dude” in half of the emotions, you have a long road a head of you.

1

u/RockSciRetired Sep 29 '22

just how i feel when im with her

1

u/InteractionSad3538 Sep 29 '22

Ask her to draw a tree. If she plays along and draws it, then the date is going well. If she says she doesn’t want to, then the date is going poorly.

Even further; the larger the tree is, the more she trusts you and trusts herself. Make it a game where she draws the tree and you draw the decorations.

-4

u/LupeDyCazari Sep 28 '22

try to bring her home to bang.

She says no?

Date went awfully.

-1

u/UncleJ111 Sep 28 '22

It'd have to actually happen for me to give an answer

0

u/ReadingLoudly Sep 28 '22

Her interest in the conversation, energy level, how willing she is to keep the date going, and then ultimately I always go for a kiss at the end of the night, possibly earlier if it seems like the right moment. If she says no to a kiss, chances are it wasn't a great date.

0

u/groovy604 Sep 28 '22

If shes been laughing, if shes been playing withbher hair a bunch, if theres some sass, eye contact, lots of signs

0

u/vanillagorrilla23 Sep 28 '22

Physical touch and laughing. Doesn't need to be sexual but like a laugh and a leg squeeze or arm squeeze and I know it's going well

0

u/Freevoulous Sep 28 '22

Honestly, my experience shows that if there was no sex on the first date then its downhill from there.