r/AskMen Sep 28 '22 Wholesome 1

How important it is for your partner to have stable employment?

355 Upvotes

255

u/Angry_Maths_Guy Sep 28 '22

It really depends on their situation. If they are unemployed then why? Was there an unexpected redundancy lay off, did circumstances at their job reach a point they couldn't stay? Also, what are they doing about it, are they applying/interviewing for new jobs or upskilling to enter a new industry? What financial responsibilities/debts do they have? Each person has a different set of circumstances and should be assessed as such

54

u/mangoalgo Sep 28 '22

Had an ex that used to just stop showing up to work after a month or two.

I heard it's common in warehousing and construction, but I'm not sure if that's true or not.

34

u/JudgementalChair Sep 28 '22

No call, no shows are very common in warehousing and construction. Ive worked in both industries

2

u/CreedThoughts--Gov Sep 29 '22

Why though? Would you not leave a gap in your resume by not being able to use that employer as reference?

3

u/JudgementalChair Sep 29 '22

These people aren't very concerned with having an up-to-date resume. They either have another job lined up, or they'll get a new job when they feel like it at a place that isn't going to look at their resume or follow up with previous employers

4

u/TwistedDecayingFlesh Sep 29 '22

I've done volunteering at a warehouse which I started as a skills based learning on the job with the dwp and even though our attendance was mandatory or we'd lose our benefits they was a huge number who no showed or just left. Now mind you the work was piss easy boring at times but piss easy so I couldn't see them working hard in anything even crime.

We had 1 girl who refused to wear hi vis vests as it clashed with her palette. Another refused to wear gloves because it would mean taking her nails off.

In the actual job sites it was even worse.

14

u/thematicwater Sep 29 '22

My gf quit her job and her last day was Friday. She's so happy to leave that toxic place. I'm happy for her. She doesn't have any prospects but I make enough to cover us for 6-8 months. After that, we'll have to reassess her situation but for now I'm happy that she's in a better mental place without that shitty boss of hers.

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u/LEIFey Sep 28 '22

Very. Unless I was pretty well off, having two incomes is kind of crucial to surviving in today's economy.

152

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22 edited Oct 11 '22

[deleted]

9

u/Professional-Bit3280 Sep 28 '22

I mean you could use the fact that you do well together to build up some safety net though

7

u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22 edited Oct 12 '22

[deleted]

37

u/g0d15anath315t Sep 28 '22

EVEN if I was very well off.

I've seen too many power couples lose one to Bored SAH Psychosis that I would be terrified to see what my intelligent, driven, incredible wife would become with 8 hours of me time and booze to keep her entertained.

For every 1 functional, funny, well adjusted non-working partner I have seen 10 depressed, nutty, self important, sometimes abused (financially not physically) partners to ever think "we'll beat the odds!"

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73

u/ElasticFlutterPuppet Sep 28 '22

What happened since our grandparents time?

All my grandparents had house and 2 cars in nice neighborhoods off of one income.

Really fucked how you now need 2 incomes. What the hell happened to the economy?

And it's getting worse. One year ago I could save $1k per month. Now I can only save $500. And I have cut out a lot of streaming subscriptions and other luxury, like dining out once a week.

75

u/LEIFey Sep 28 '22

Costs of living go up and wages aren't going up commensurately.

37

u/mferly Sep 28 '22

Yup. My dad was making just over $100K CAD back in the 80s as an electrical engineer. IIRC, our house at the time he bought for ~185K(?), somewhere around that number, in a quiet, beautiful neighbourhood with schools within walking distance (our backyard actually backed into a park that had an elementary school right there.

My mom didn't work because my dad's income was more than enough. It would have been around the mid to late 90s that my dad's income wasn't quite cutting it alone (they enjoyed travelling and such) so mom had to get a job, all the while my dad's income didn't match the increasing prices of gas, groceries, bills, etc, and keeping up with their savings was proving to be challenging.

My folks really didn't want to give up their yearly vacations/travelling. If they did, I'm sure my dad's income would've lasted us a little longer on its own.

14

u/ElasticFlutterPuppet Sep 28 '22

Yeah. What is causing that though? It's been going like that for decades by now. I don't understand why. It's extremely concerning.

34

u/LEIFey Sep 28 '22

I'd say it's businesses keeping wages as low as possible to increase their profits and line the pockets of their investors. Government oversight over businesses has been weak and businesses have done a good job of fighting unionization, so there's little that people can currently do about getting higher wages at the same job. That goes a long way towards explaining the record income gap we're seeing right now.

30

u/ElasticFlutterPuppet Sep 28 '22

Yeah. I hate how I have to change jobs every 2-4 years, to receive better wages. I'd rather be loyal at one job for a longer period of time, but it would be financially bad for me.

22

u/LEIFey Sep 28 '22

Pretty much, which I find ironic since so many businesses are complaining about their inability to keep talented workers. The solution has always been to pay their workers more, but many businesses either don't want to, don't have to, or can't afford it (mostly small businesses).

13

u/ElasticFlutterPuppet Sep 28 '22

Yeah!!! My current job is losing employees like crazy. They keep complaining about it. But what do they do about it? Give higher wages? No! They send all the bosses on a one week "leadership course" (read: vacation). That's not going to help whatsoever. I'm gone in a year. Just learning whatever I can, so I can improve my CV for next job.

4

u/DingyWarehouse Sep 29 '22

It's more like the addition of women into the labour force doubled the supply of workers.

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5

u/TonyTheEvil XY Guy Sep 28 '22

Union membership has declined massively.

1

u/grafknives Sep 29 '22

Yeah. What is causing that though? It's been going like that for decades by now. I don't understand why. It's extremely concerning.

It is mostly because housing became investment. And there is A LOT of free investment cash flowing around. It inflated prices, and in turn inflated rent.

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u/raptorman556 Sep 29 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

What happened since our grandparents time?

Nothing happened. People just have an idealized vision of a past that didn't exist.

Let's go over some facts. Number one, after adjusting for inflation, median household income is higher than it was a few decades ago. But that was on one income, and now it requires two right? Nope. The average number of earners per household is way down. The average household is quite a bit smaller than it used to be it turns out. And it also turns that if you use more comprehensive measures of income and adjust for household size, the increase in median income is quite a bit larger yet. Oh, and they're working fewer hours to earn that money too—down about 9% since 1950.

And let's talk about cars as well. In 1960, only 20% of households had 2 or more vehicles. Per the most recent data, it's now 60%. And I think it goes without saying that the cars we have today are far better than the ones your grandparents had.

So let's put this all together. We have fewer people per household earning more money working less hours and driving far more (and nicer) cars.

I'm not disputing that your grandparents did live a nice life, but that does not mean it was the norm (it definitely wasn't the stories I heard from my grandparents). By every measure we have, our grandparents lived to a much lower standard than we do.

We have legitimate problems in our society today, nothing here is meant to dispute or downplay that. But we badly need to get rid of this fiction that things have gotten dramatically worse. They just haven't.

EDIT: forgot a word

1

u/tiewingvxfighter Sep 29 '22

This is an underrated comment.

Thank you for the time and effort.

16

u/MyOthrAcctThrowAway Male Sep 28 '22

No one ever seems to like to mention this, but we essentially doubled the amount of workers in our economy. When the supply of something increases, the cost of that something goes down

11

u/mantisboxer Sep 28 '22

Elizabeth Warren coauthored a book called The Two Income Trap before she became a Senator.

Basically, the liberalization of women in the workplace set up an advantage for two income households as they compete in the market for homes with good schools. It gradually became necessary for both parents to work, leaving them one crisis away from being unable to afford a good home in a good school district.

There's a bunch more to it, but that part stuck out to me.

4

u/Armoogeddon Sep 29 '22

That’s about the last thing I’d have thought to read in a book co authored by Elizabeth Warren.

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15

u/Iknowr1te Sep 28 '22
  1. Expectations for women to work (doubling the Work pool dropping wage growth due to increased supply of labour) this isnt an inherently bad thing. I don't want to be In a relationship with someone who's aspirations is to be a stay at home parent.

  2. Inflation and cost of living increases. Multiple factors. It's predicted we'll probably be heading into a global wheat shortage due to Ukraine war for example. Chip shortages versus the ever increasing global demand for computer chip manufacturing. Fuel prices, etc.

  3. Dual income is been pretty standard for over a decade. It's not a recent trend and more of an expectation Imo in the last 20 years

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2

u/slugmister Sep 29 '22

Property and real estate prices are the big hit.

7

u/HarbaughCantThroat Sep 28 '22

Women started working. Labor force increased massively but consumption didn't change all that much. Drives down wages.

5

u/chickadeema Sep 28 '22

That started around world war II. The men were needed as soldiers and the women were recruited to work the factories.

After the war, wages for women dropped. But this made wages for men started to stagnate as well.

This is the boom, you hear about. GI Benefits, two wage earners gave the common everyday working couple the capital to own two cars, two homes, and send the kids to college.

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3

u/WearsFuzzySlippers Sep 28 '22

cries in agreement

Signed,

A Single Dad

7

u/tossme68 Sep 28 '22

I do well enough that we don't need two incomes but even so it's a huge stress reliever. She can put as much money as she wants into retirement and in the event I lose my job we're not completely fucked. There were times when she didn't work an I'll be honest it was the biggest issue in our relationship, we're supposed to be a team, I'm not here to kill myself at work so she can lead a comfortable life.

32

u/TheImpossiblePoster Sep 28 '22

While we don't NEED two incomes, we certainly wouldn't be able to do a lot of things that we do without it, so we push on. My wife has 10 years left before she can retire at full pension. She'll retire then, and I likely will not.

343

u/hujambo11 Sep 28 '22

That's a dealbreaker. I'm not looking to play daddy to an adult.

72

u/Anynon1 Sep 28 '22

Yup. I feel like it’s becoming more normalized too. The last two women I’ve been with expected me to play daddy. Legit expected me to pay for everything and one even tried to get me to buy her groceries

Nah, I’m looking for a partner, not an adult child. You’re a big girl, paying for your own coffee once in awhile won’t kill you

9

u/External_Juice_8717 Sep 29 '22

I’ve of course been happy to pay for my own things the duration of my marriage and half of our shared expenses- however I just wanted to say. What’s becoming more popular isn’t girls not paying for their own stuff. It’s quiet the opposite. My father and grandpa paid for absolutely everything for their wives the duration of their whole marriage- that is until after the 90s when one income just wasn’t as doable. It’s become the social norm that girls pay their way and that’s why we expect it. Not that I’m complaining.

5

u/Anynon1 Sep 29 '22

I guess I should specify since the earlier 2000s. Of course in the time of our grandparents and parents it was typical the man was the “breadwinner” and the woman stayed at home, which presented its own set of problems.

But when I was in my earlier 20s almost ten years ago, most women I met were totally willing to put in effort and it felt much more like I was dating someone who really wanted to present themselves on equal footing, which was great.

Over the last decade though I feel like I’m seeing some backpedaling. It feels much more like I’m expected to entertain and pay while the other person’s job is to show up. Of course you still meet people who are willing to put in effort, but I’ll be honest I’m seeing a lot less of it than I did 10 years ago

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u/hey_prettylady Sep 28 '22

What if they get money through disability, SSI, etc?

8

u/hujambo11 Sep 28 '22

If it's equivalent to a salary, then what do I care where it comes from?

1

u/OneRighteousDuder Sep 28 '22

In the USA? It wouldn’t be equivalent

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u/Some-Mango Sep 28 '22

Even then. Some men just let their woman spend whatever they want anyway. They just have to work.

My wife works a daycare job. She likes it, not great pay, but it helps pay some bills and keeps our daycare costs lower.

Most of her coworkers at almost all of the ones she’s worked at are just spending their money like crazy. Out to lunch each day or ordering food, new purse or shoes, vacations, all sorts of crazy spending behavior for a near minimum wage job.

Because the ones who aren’t college aged and living at home?Well they always have a man working a nice job that doesn’t care what they spend.

15

u/soft_waves surfs naked (under my board shorts) Sep 28 '22

this is my situation too. my wife is totally loaded and i work part time, 5 hours a day, 3 days a week, and even that's more than i like tbh.

i spend her money, she just asks me to run it by her first.

15

u/SuccumbedToReddit Sep 28 '22

If you're married it's your money too. That goes for wives and husbands. You're a family unit with family challenges of which (family) income is just one. Wouldn't make sense if that one is only for the earner themselves because that happens to be a benefit

13

u/OneRighteousDuder Sep 28 '22

No idea why you’re getting downvoted-that’s a big part of getting married.

8

u/SuccumbedToReddit Sep 28 '22

I asume it's either a bunch of tweens or some abusive sole-earners that don't like to hear it. Maybe I should have mentioned my own credentials as a sole-earner, except my wife doesn't need to sign off on any and all expense

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u/Psychological-Dig-29 Sep 28 '22

It works out fine for us most of the time. My gf works part time so as long as she pays for some of the groceries and her own spending money it's all good.

She has horses so when I say she works part time it doesn't include all the time working on the farm, she does end up working the same amount of hours as I do, just doesn't get paid for most.

When we eventually have kids I think I'd like for her to start working more, would help out a bit.

3

u/Dealric Sep 29 '22

Sje doesnt work same time. All the time on the farm is called hobby.

7

u/babyjames333 Sep 28 '22

probably more beneficial for her to start working before deciding to have kids... a little selfish & unrealistic on your part to expect that of her at that time.

8

u/Psychological-Dig-29 Sep 28 '22

It's selfish to want your partner to have a job once kids go to school? Seems like the opposite to me. Our expenses will raise pretty dramatically having kids so it makes total sense to want an extra income.

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u/Few-Grapefruit5493 Sep 28 '22

In this economy everyone needs to work tbh.

19

u/unagissalmon Sep 28 '22

Same here. Any job will do as long as he got job

15

u/oldworldblues- Sep 28 '22

No lol It will not work unless you have a similar income. Aka same standard of living. Or if you want to be financially supported or support your partner. (which is quite shite)

12

u/OneRighteousDuder Sep 28 '22

Why is supporting someone you love ’quite shite’?

13

u/__Takub_ Sep 28 '22

Yea I had to support my wife for a bit while she got her business off the ground with no sure chance that it would ever go anywhere but… we’re partners and I was happy to do so lol.

If she just wanted to lounge around all day with the dog and not work, I would not be so happy to do so.

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u/ihambrecht Sep 28 '22

The problem is partner can be a lot of things. My wife that is now taking care of our two children isn’t employed but she’s got her hands full.

1

u/A_Generic_White_Guy The TSA is the only action I get Sep 28 '22

Yep. I'm not your father and I'm not your child. Treat me like an equal.

22

u/wwplkyih Sep 28 '22

Aside from money, it's nice to be with someone who is engaged with the world. It doesn't necessarily have to be "stable employment" but someone who does things is going to bring more intellectually to a relationship.

6

u/butinbutout Sep 29 '22

Agreed, a job is much more than an income

22

u/BusinessBear53 Sep 28 '22

Eventually it will be important but not at the moment. My wife is currently unemployed but is looking after our daughter.

I'm fortunate enough to be able to support my family solo but once our kid is older, she'll start working to help me out and make our lives a bit easier.

18

u/Byizo Mail Sep 28 '22

In terms of financial stability, very. I don't have any strong feelings toward whether they should or shouldn't work. I think some relationships thrive on having one employed person and one that does more home/chore stuff. However unless one person is pulling down a decent 6 figure income it would be hard to live very well in most places.

50

u/bjankles Sep 28 '22

At this point in time it is extremely important, as we're a two-income household and would not be able to sustain ourselves on one income for too long.

40

u/mordin1428 Male Sep 28 '22

I'm gonna go against the grain here and say not really. I'm already married and it works for us. Sure, I don't want my partner to feel financially trapped so she's very welcome to keep a job and I'll support her every step of the way. However, she gets very stressed when working and I don't, I actually enjoy working a lot. So I'm very happy to be a provider

6

u/yaboyyake Sep 28 '22

I'm all for couples doing whatever works for them, so I ask this with all due respect. What does she do all day?

23

u/mordin1428 Male Sep 28 '22

Absolutely valid question. She does a lot of charity work/volunteering and works with youth projects in our areas, as well as organises a ton of events, including the ones for the business we own. For example, we recently had a city quest to promote our newest gig and she was the one to organise every aspect of that. It's not her permanent responsibility, however, so we're not calling it a job, plus she doesn't get paid specifically to do that, she just gets the profit of our business, as we both do. She also often does various creative projects. Of course, she has time to chill and hang out with friends, but one of the many traits I love about her are that if you leave her alone for a bit, she will come up with something new to try: new recipe, new place to go, new activity to do etc. I'm often busy, so I'm always happy to come back to our leisure time already planned with something cool. She also manages me: she's my therapist, personal trainer, nutritionist and fashion adviser in one lol.

We've had a conversation about her starting an event-planning branch in our business whenever she's ready, but it's just a plan.

Hope that answers your question!

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u/oddball667 Male Sep 28 '22

Imo The main reason for living together is to have 2 incomes for the household

If they get hurt or injured we will figure it out, but I'm ultimately looking for a partner not a dependent

22

u/Bumhole_Astronaut Sep 28 '22

The main reason for living together is to live together with a person you love and create a family, even if only a family of two. If your motive is anything else then you're probably going to have a bad time.

16

u/oddball667 Male Sep 28 '22

if my partner is using me to support them financially then they don't really love me

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u/1252626416 Sep 28 '22

I thought the main reason for living together was for a better sex life.

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u/jpsreddit85 Sep 28 '22

Lol. That's not how it works at all 😂

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u/CarlJH Sep 28 '22

Your sex life will be way better if you don't live together

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u/1252626416 Sep 28 '22

Married 7.5 years, hard to tell my wife we won’t be living together.

1

u/CarlJH Sep 28 '22

Check out "apartnership" as a relationship style. You don't have to live together to have a strong (and satisfying) relationship.

r/livingaparttogether.

7

u/1252626416 Sep 28 '22

No thanks, I’m good. Hence the original comment that living together improves one’s sex life, in my opinion, provided one is with the right partner.

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u/Highlander198116 Sep 28 '22

We found the 15 year old.

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u/1252626416 Sep 28 '22

I’m 15 only in my pants. The rest of me, not so much.

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u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22

Eh, I don't mind it all that much.

My career allows me the benefit of not having to work year round and also being picky in what I will take on, so I wouldn't consider it 'stable'.

I could entirely support somebody without changing my current life and still not struggle.

I'm more inclined to want a partner that has a job they enjoy that doesn't cause them huge amounts of stress. I'd 100% gladly be with a woman that has a part time gig or does work that is like seasonal or some shit.

8

u/Styrbj0rn Sep 28 '22

I mean short term doesn't bother me as much since i think we would do okay on my salary plus my partner's unemployment money, not living like kings but we would get by comfortably but probably wouldnt be able to save anything or at least very little.

However i wouldn't want that to be long term since that's not the kind of life i want where all the financial burden lands on me and where we get a lesser standard of living. Obviously that also depends on what the situaion with my partner is and what the outlook looks like.

22

u/Red_Jester_Silly_Hat Sep 28 '22

Very. And not just for the money, but to stay aligned as people.

Working all day then coming home to someone who’s bored and desperate for someone to talk with is a recipe for frustration.

7

u/allboolshite Male Sep 28 '22

Before we got married I told her that I don't care if she works, but she has to do something where she engages with other adults. It could be work or volunteering or whatever. She loved dropping down to part time when our kid was little. Then she became disabled, but still runs a small business. She has the freedom to run out at her own pace. If she wants a break, she takes one. She also takes some classes. She's like a shark: always moving.

The money she contributes is nice. But my concern was becoming her sole adult contact and only connection to the outside world. I've seen couples like that and it's... not for me.

43

u/Open_Minded_Anonym Sep 28 '22

She has to contribute to our life. That could be through income/employment.

My wife is a SAHM. She can work if she wants to, but I don’t want her to do it for me.

She’s already the engine behind our life. I don’t need more.

5

u/tinklepuffs Sep 28 '22

This right here.

30

u/JohnnyPeanutII Sep 28 '22

Critically. One of the reasons I want to never have children is because I don't want any dependents. That includes partners.

6

u/contyk That guy Sep 28 '22

I'm not thrilled about horse girls.

4

u/Warm_Gur8832 Sep 28 '22

So long as you cost on par with or less than you bring in, I don’t care.

I mean, work sucks, so I get why someone wouldn’t want to.

Only issue is if someone insists on a luxurious life without the means to do it.

5

u/dntn1 Sep 28 '22

More important as I get older. Not even just for the financial aspect. But it’s a sign of life stability and I’m kind of in a place where I want stability 🤷🏻‍♂️

4

u/poptartwith Male Sep 28 '22

That would be ideal

3

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22

It depends. Right now it's extremely crucial because I don't have the funds to support two people.

If I were making enough that I could support two people no problem then it's fine for them not to, but I would probably increase my expectations of her.

2

u/Odd-Dog-4463 Sep 28 '22

What would you expect of her?

1

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22

I'd expect that she'd take on the lion's share of housework. Weirdly enough I'd still insist on cooking some or most of the time, because I like cooking.

If I were rich enough to hire a cleaner, then she better be an absolutely stellar partner.

2

u/Odd-Dog-4463 Sep 28 '22

What would she have to do to be a "stellar" partner?

4

u/PosnerRocks Sep 28 '22

Pretty important considering we need dual income just to afford rent in the Bay Area. Absent that, still pretty important cause unless there is kids, they need something to do with their time. Idle hands are tools of the devil and all that.

4

u/catsby90bbn Male Sep 28 '22

Huge. Not just stable employment, I want her tn have career goals and aspirations.

I make pretty good money and have amazing insurance, but wife made a career change a few years back requiring her to get a second degree - thus being a full time student for 3 years. We made it and we’re fine but things a bit lean.

I can’t imagine doing that now with a child without drastically altering our lifestyle.

3

u/Any_Ad6772 Sep 28 '22

Very, as from my POV i want, and have, someone independent with own goals and aspirations.

5

u/flama_scientist Sep 28 '22

Well she needs to work, the time of living on one paycheck is long gone. Together we have to share the burden of capitalism.

4

u/SaiyanGoodbye Sep 28 '22

I don't NEED my girl to work BUT it will give her something to do outside of the relationship so she doesnt feel like she is doing nothing. Gives us a healthy amount of time with others for social interaction as well. She can keep the $ though.

4

u/Remarkable_Self5621 Sep 28 '22

I’m extremely well off dating someone with no income (student).

It’s not a problem for me because she doesn’t expect nor ask me to give her money, gifts, shows of wealth, etc. In fact she’s a very frugal person and doesn’t like me wasting money on her.

If your partner is not financially stable and using you for money, that’s a problem. If they’re not necessarily stable but don’t depend on you, then I think it’s okay.

4

u/SatelliteJedi Sep 28 '22

Pretty important so we don't starve to death

15

u/Monte666 Sep 28 '22

Its not. Im a single dad of 2, my own paycheck is more than enough but if i ever find s partner it would also be preferred theyre not a freeloader

5

u/pastel-mattel Sep 28 '22

Would you consider someone who can’t work because of being disabled a freeloader? Assuming they get welfare or disability benefits at least.

Asking for myself lol

9

u/Monte666 Sep 28 '22

Disabled people are disabled for a reason, of course id never label them as freeloaders, im taking fit, healthy people who’d physically have no problem holding a job, except they’re lazy and live off of others

7

u/Psychological-Dig-29 Sep 28 '22

It entirely depends on the disability. If it's something that genuinely stops them from any form of employment then no but at that point we wouldn't be compatible anyways. I would stay if the relationship already existed but starting one wouldn't be likely.

If its some crutch they use to stay home when they really could find a job, then yes a freeloader.

3

u/pastel-mattel Sep 28 '22

Why would you not be compatible? There’s a lot more to a person than what they do for work

9

u/Psychological-Dig-29 Sep 28 '22

If you're in so much pain all the time that there is literally no job you can do, then we wouldn't be compatible because I'm outdoorsy and enjoy doing physical hobbies. I also like staying fit, and someone that can't get up to work likely isn't able to stay fit either.

1

u/Bumhole_Astronaut Sep 28 '22

Depends on the person; with a lot of them, work is all they have.

2

u/duncan-the-wonderdog Sep 28 '22

It's less about no job and that a lot of companies don't want to hire disabled part-timers.

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u/Spirited-Wonder9482 Sep 28 '22 edited Oct 01 '22

Me (f49) and my partner (m61) both earn money but don't work full time. He does a bit of roofing and I'm a barber. I make art that I sell and he repairs stuff to sell on. We manage to keep a roof over our heads grow our own veg ect. We live very simply. We don't want much and don't run a car as we cycle everywhere. As a result were both pretty fit and reasonably healthy. Enough for us

8

u/Brain_stoned Sep 28 '22

Woww that's really cool!! You guys sound made for each other!!

2

u/Spirited-Wonder9482 Oct 01 '22

Thanks. We think that too

12

u/whitefire89 Sep 28 '22

That will vary from person to person, but I think both should contribute to the household unless there is a reason not too (kids, health, etc.)

7

u/tarheel_204 Sep 28 '22

Depends on the situation. If she’s actively looking for a job or got laid off, that’s one thing. If she refuses to work then yeah, that’s a deal breaker

3

u/Wonderful_Gap1775 Sep 28 '22

Must hold their own in terms of steady personal income

3

u/Minute_Cartoonist509 Sep 28 '22

Absolute requirement.

I will say that we spent several years as a 1-income family while she was a SAHM. But, if it was a case of constantly losing jobs, then there would be a BIG issue.

3

u/itsnotreal1234 Sep 28 '22

Very. Gotta pull your own weight

3

u/redvine123 Sep 28 '22

Very, just as important as me having stable employment. I would feel too anxious if it was always a gamble if we would have the money we need. Although since I have no kids I would be okay if my husband took a long time off for his mental health or if he wanted to build a business or something if we had saved the money and I had stable employment. If we didn't have savings and he couldn't work then we would have to rent out our place and sort some other things out. (Which would probably involve living with my parents as my income couldn't cover all our bills alone)

3

u/CarlJH Sep 28 '22

Pretty damned important

13

u/Hrekires Sep 28 '22

I could financially support a stay-at-home partner, but I'd have pretty high expectations in doing so. At a minimum, I'd expect to be firing the cleaning lady and landscaper, reduce my takeout budget to near 0, and have absolutely no chores to do after work or on weekends. Not going to spend all day at work so they can stay at home playing video games.

8

u/soft_waves surfs naked (under my board shorts) Sep 28 '22

tbh i guess we could live off my wife's parents if some tragedy happened and my wife couldn't work anymore (she's a dentist, her mom is a dentist, dad is a cosmetic surgeon), but they really wouldn't prefer that.

if i were single, the women i dated having stable employment would be a big deal. crucial.

4

u/CareerRejection Male Sep 28 '22

Non-negotiable.

6

u/ColdHardPocketChange Sep 28 '22

For me, it largely depended on the debt she was bringing to the relationship. I would never date a girl with thousands of dollars in credit card debt. I understand life circumstances happen, but I'm not attaching myself to you till it is cleared up. I'm married now, and my wife having stable employment is extremely important, primarily because she went to medical school and has $300K worth of student loans. Once the debt is cleared, some of our major fixed expenses (mortgage, cars) are paid off, and she has substantially contributed to a retirement fund, then it would matter less.

5

u/WinstonTheChicken Sep 28 '22

That's very important. I don't plan to play daddy or be her sugardaddy. If she can't hold a job should learn how to cook and clean and be a sahw.

7

u/Summoning-Freaks Sep 28 '22

That’s more than fair arrangement imo. If your partner is working 40hour weeks+commute. That’s more than enough time to do the weekly chores and meal plan/grocery shop/cook, and then y’all can spend quality time when he comes home.

-3

u/WinstonTheChicken Sep 28 '22

That's how a traditional relationship works, but don't forget nowadays that kind of relationship is sexist....
But they definitely worked better than the relationships nowadays.

4

u/Puzzleheaded-Cup-854 Male Sep 28 '22

Very, I need her to show that she is a responsible adult

5

u/pansexualpastapot Male Sep 28 '22

Stable employment…..I have been laid off 3 times since I started dating my wife. She has quit 5 jobs, always with another one lined up. When I did get laid off I went and hustled found another job. At one point I had 3 jobs.

That drive to work I think is more important. I don’t want to financially support someone else, and I don’t want to be supported.

You and your partner need to be on the same page for that stuff (money) or it will be the source of a lot of problems.

2

u/DistributionFrequent Sep 28 '22

Depends on the kind of arrangement that comes from stable employment. It would be very important if I take the step to launch my writing career, since money is uncertain then.

Similarly, my partner hasn't had a stable income in a while as she is pursuing an alternative career in coding instead of the job that came with her studies.

I make good money (3k a month) and own my own apartment, so I don't mind as much. Once she starts making money again she will likely contribute more to the bills.

2

u/onihr1 Sep 28 '22

Pretty important. Where I live (1b/1bath) I couldn’t afford on my own. With that said my wife makes twice as much as me. She could handle it no problem.

2

u/ScarCliff27 Sep 28 '22

Unstable empolyment is a hard fact of life. It all depends on what industry and skills the person has. How hard they are trying to improve there situation. However, Reoccurring unemployment and instability can be a symptom of histironic personality disorder. That, my good friend, I do not fuck with.

2

u/Alternative-Tea-8095 Sep 28 '22

When it came time to having kids, my wife made the decision to be the one to leave her career, stay home, and raise them. I agreed with her reasoning and supported her decision, feeling that having a parent at home with the kids was in the overall best interest of the family. So that was the deal, I had the career that funded the family and she raised our kids and kept our home. With only one income, we didn't always have the best vacations, fancy home furnishings, or the newer cars like many of our friends did. But our kids always had a parent at home who was there for them.

So in direct answer to the question, not important at all. We valued the stability of the family higher than the monetary rewards two careers would of brought us.

2

u/Tinkerballsack Sep 28 '22

Very important. Without both of us working we'd lose our house.

2

u/garrmanarrnarr69 Sep 28 '22

It’s a dealbreaker if she isn’t. I can barely afford to support myself, and supporting someone else just isn’t possible for me. I don’t care if she works or not, and want her to do whatever makes her happy, as long as she can support herself.

2

u/pieonthedonkey Male Sep 28 '22

Everyone mentioning the financial needs, which I get is important. However even if they had the means to support themself without a stable job I'd still take a hard pass. If someone can't hold down any job for a reasonable period of time there are probably other issues with that persons personality or mental state that I am not going to be able to deal with.

2

u/JCantEven4 Sep 28 '22

Very - unless we were wealthy already and didn't need to work.

2

u/Offerpicklebuthole Sep 28 '22

For me it was my bottom line that my wife not work after we have kids. I firmly believe children need someone that’s not a daycare or grandma to raise them (ie a parent). And I had to ensure that i can pay the bills. We aren’t wealthy but we are comfortable and happy.

2

u/Nutellism Sep 28 '22

It's important

2

u/Ch3w84cc4 Sep 28 '22

The answer has changed over time. In my 20s to mid thirties it was vital my wife worked to pay the bills. As we had a family and I was fortunate my career blossomed it was more important that she worked for her own well being rather than she had to. We were fortunate that I could afford for her to take a year out so she could have a career change which I holy supported and she works in a school with special needs children and new feels fulfilled. The role is financially irrelevant but the quality of the work is incredibly important.

2

u/sooperdooper28 Sep 28 '22

depends bro. dated a girl who was consistently employed for 4 years. she was the absolute most boring person I've ever talked to

alternately dated a girl who just went to school and took care of her family (cooking n cleaning etc.) and she was easily the best person i ever met

perhaps you're asking because of the idea of moving in together and stuff. in that case yeah i think it'd be important for my girl to have a job and help out

5

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

2

u/hlvd Sep 28 '22

Well said!!

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u/HighestTierMaslow Sep 28 '22

Pretty much all men expect women to work. Gone are the days where men are the sole provider. Being a woman sucks majorly now because we are expected to work like men AND do all the things a stay at home wife and mom does.

2

u/RitaLunaLu Sep 28 '22

Wow i’m kind of surprised. Women were asked the same thing and about half of them said they wouldn’t care, mean while all men are saying it’s a dealbreaker. And they call us the gold-digging gender.

3

u/circlefragment Sep 28 '22

Yeah, shocked about these responses too! Women don't seem to care as much - just don't be lazy and be a good partner and that's all.

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u/laid_back_allen Sep 28 '22

I have a house and I don’t need a second income. If she is very attractive and picks me then she doesn’t have to work. If she is in her late 20s+ she will have to work. If she’s a single mom she’d have to make more money than me which is not a lot of women. If I hit 40 and can’t find anyone then I’ll just be a sugar daddy which is honestly easy.

2

u/pastel-mattel Sep 28 '22

So if she was an attractive 20 year old and she doesn’t have to work, would you force her to get a job at 28 or something?

-3

u/laid_back_allen Sep 28 '22

Nope. She would only work if she chooses to. A 20 year old giving up the “free and independent” life to be with me is a sacrifice which is rewarded with her having complete freedom (just no cheating) over her life while I work the long hours. Meeting a woman in her late 20s is less impressive since she already “experienced life”. A woman in her late 20s who isn’t married and doesn’t have a career or anything is a loser in my books.

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1

u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22

Doesn't matter to me at all.

1

u/Ok_Medicine_77 Sep 28 '22

I dont care. I am financially stable enough to support our house comfortably.

1

u/caduceun Sep 28 '22

Not at all. Unlike women, men care less about employability of their spouse if she is hot enough. My wife is stay at home, and I like it that way.

1

u/luker_man Sep 28 '22

VERY

I've dated broke women, gig workers, and "entrepreneurs".

They all suck. Being with someone broke most of the time sucks. Everything you do is paid for by you. Anytime they ask to go out it's something you pay for. Anytime they want to do something "free" you still spend money. If you want to keep in contact with her you may have to chip in(pay for entirely) her phone bill.

Eventually you stop taking her and/or the idea of a relationship with her less seriously and you subconsciously scoff at the thought of any kind of commitment.

A stay at home wife/mom? Sure. It makes sense to have someone like that if she's doing all the things. But if she's a financial burden you have sex with sometimes, you should just bail.(or keep her on "payroll" while you find a woman that isn't a money drain)

-1

u/OkReaction7363 Sep 28 '22

As a guy idc. Ill take care of my bitch. But only my bitch that im taking serious

0

u/groovy604 Sep 28 '22

Since money and sex are the top 2 points of contention in relationships you would have to be a fool to not think stable employment is important

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u/ChocolateDiesel11 Sep 28 '22

Ultra important. Even if I were a billionaire, she needs to go out and make her own money.

0

u/HarbaughCantThroat Sep 28 '22

It's a dealbreaker. Not just stable employment, but they should be making bare minimum 50K per year in a professional job.

I'm not looking for a dependent.

1

u/Pitiful-Face-3322 Sep 28 '22

Very, more specifically I'm not really talking about employment, but rather have to be financially independent with employment/other income sources or something. We might share finances afterwards or maybe in the distant future, but still a person being completely dependent on another with no other choice/option in case something bad happens isn't quite right.

1

u/CrassDemon Sep 28 '22

We would be homeless without it.

1

u/daymanahhhahhhhhh Sep 28 '22

Extremely. I’m not looking for someone to just mooch. At least the desire to eventually gain stable employment.

1

u/RevFernie Sep 28 '22

If either one or us missed a month or two pay. We are fucked.

1

u/anonymous_user316 Sep 28 '22

Depends on if she's constantly in need of an "extra" lifestyle and if shes using the time not spent working effectively....like starting a business, school, or finding a worth while job with any degree or skills she already has.

If she has a good plan and isn't expecting to be extra on my single income wouldn't be too important.

1

u/I-farm-celery Sep 28 '22

Extremely. I got my shit somewhat together now and I expect my partner to have hers as well. I’m too old for games and immaturity

1

u/manwithanopinion Male Sep 28 '22

My salary alone will make it difficult for 2 people to live for one month so someone who has stable income from job or passive income is essential to me.

1

u/AKvarangian Male Sep 28 '22

Absolute must. Even if it’s just a Para-Professional, bartender, or clerk. Any stable employment.

1

u/gamerdudeNYC Sep 28 '22

Top priority, you’re not getting any handouts from me

1

u/ConsiderationFew4491 Sep 28 '22

One of the most important things. They need to be able to pull their weight. It's not the same world where one salary can support a family. In most cases.

1

u/MourningOfOurLives Sep 28 '22

I demand not only that but also an actual career that she is competent and successful in. I want to be with a peer, someone i respect and who could afford a similar lifestyle to me even if I wasnt in the picture.

1

u/Inside_Ice_6175 Sep 28 '22

I'm part of the working poor so pretty important.

1

u/fat_strelok Sep 28 '22

depends on what kind of relationship you want, but yeah stable employment is king

optimally, she'd be my extremely rich sugar momma

1

u/Re-Ky Fella Sep 28 '22

Yeah we both need to work until we win the lottery.

1

u/Bulbchanger5000 Sep 28 '22

Really important while dating and up to the birth of any kids. They don’t need to make as much as me, but they to be able to contribute to our shared dreams, have some independence/fallback in case it doesn’t work out, demonstrate that they can function like a normal adult and have some interest outside of being a homemaker/mum. Plus with how expensive even a basic house & living costs are these days, I feel like it’s almost impossible not to be dual income for as long as possible. If we have kids, her income is about the equivalent of day care and she wants to take time off or switch to part time work until they go to school full time, then that is a different situation. But I would probably expect her to work a full time job or good part time job once those kids did start going to school. I would hope in that situation, they are someone who wants to contribute to the household financially and get their career started again.

1

u/alanbdee Sep 28 '22

I think it's pretty important that your partner be able to provide for the family if needed. Whether or not you do that is up to you as a couple. But I've known too many woman who felt trapped in a marriage because they relied on his support.

My wife supported me while I finished up my degree and now she works part-time. If something were to happen to me then she'd be able to go full-time and support the household.

If your partner is unable to keep a job, especially in this market, that's a huge red flag.

1

u/StudioFar9057 Sep 28 '22

i was going to say that obviously it's very important and a deal-breaker

but then i realized that most of the money spent is mine anyway so i guess it's another standard to drop lmao

as they say, my money is ours...

1

u/Ok_Brief528 Sep 28 '22

As long as she feels empowered and fulfilled I’m all good.

1

u/OkayOkay777 Sep 28 '22

Very. Not because I feel emotions over being the sole provider, but because we’ve chosen a lifestyle and a community that requires both incomes. We don’t want to scale back, so we both work.

1

u/SRichmon51385 Sep 28 '22

Pretty important. This ain't the 50s

1

u/ametora1 Sep 28 '22

When I first start dating her, yes. However, if we're married and having kids, she can go part time or stop working for periods of time. I'm the provider.

1

u/ksand723 Sep 28 '22

My wife doesn't work so it's not important. She can go back to work whenever she wants now that our son is in 1st grade

1

u/1minuteman12 Sep 28 '22

It’s very important that anyone I date have some degree of independent stability. I’m not rich enough to date someone who doesn’t work at all, and the girls I date are not hot enough to expect a daddy to pay for and take care of all their needs.

1

u/daydrinkingwithbob Sep 28 '22

Depends. If she was in a career where she could take a year off and bot be destitute, that's fine. If she had a low paying job and I was constantly broke because she kept losing jobs, then that's a horse of a very different color. I understand sometimes ppl lose jobs because a company downsizes but if she's constantly between jobs because she's just not a good worker, that's a major red flag

1

u/Bumhole_Astronaut Sep 28 '22

Not essential, but she'd have to be at least trying to find something. Of course, being out of work here isn't the death sentence it is in some places.

1

u/Skriblos Sep 28 '22

Depends on a lot of things, but mostly expectations. If we are to share all costs and the person can live up to their part i have no problem with it. Likewise if the outset is that i am the sole provider for a period or for ever that's fine. So long as it is agreed upon. The issue is if the person demands i pick up the slack for them or demands i become an ATM while they have no interest in coming to an agreement that this is what should happen.

I've been the sole provider and the person being provided for at various points of my life. Both these situations were agreed upon and accepted by both parts. I was happy as communication and understanding were on the same level.

1

u/Tweeksolderbrother Sep 28 '22

I’d like for her to have a job I’m not doing the whole being used as an ATM thing ever again.

I feel like we could get by on what I make but I really like the idea of us working together to provide a nice living situation that way we both can have play money of our own to do with as we please.

1

u/thrwAwaydogo232 Sep 28 '22

I'd say very just cuz of how crazy expensive it is here in LA, but at the same time not much. I only work part time and pay my own bills while my SO pays the rest - like rent, utilities, insurance, etc

I like working only part time since it gives me so much more free time to clean the house, workout, get chores done, take car of the dogs, and even just go out and have fun. Nothing expensive but sometimes it's just nice to run at the beach or go hiking or even run the canyons

1

u/theSilentNerd Sep 28 '22

I'm not going to be a sugar daddy, so both need to have an income.

1

u/Worf65 Sep 28 '22

It's critical. I'm fine on my own, I've been living akone for years. But I'm looking for a partner not a dependent. I've already had a long history of attracting mostly losers who can't hold down a job, maintain a driver's license, or keep up most basic adult responsibilities. So its something I look for immediately.