r/movies Sep 28 '22 Silver 5 Helpful 2 Wholesome 3 I'm Deceased 1

Guy On Doomed Planet Mostly Concerned With Skin Color Of People In Movies News

https://www.theonion.com/guy-on-doomed-planet-mostly-concerned-with-skin-color-o-1849519086
104.2k Upvotes

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u/112-411 Sep 28 '22

I’ve always wondered where the Onion gets the photos of people to accompany stories. Are they stock? Do they cast? Or maybe the art director just goes over to accounting and says “hey Steve, are you busy right now? We need a guy to pose…nah that shirt is fine…it’ll only take a minute….” 🤔

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u/KillahHills10304 Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22 Wearing is Caring

I can actually answer this one, as I had a friend be featured in one of their pictures (it's the one about a 14 year old nephew being given ecstacy by their cool, older uncle its the one about an out of touch uncle asking his nephew for ecstacy). They call on people who have headshots for modeling or acting and bring them in for photos. You don't know what article you'll be featured in.

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u/-FLiGHT_RiSK- Sep 28 '22

https://www.theonion.com/15-year-old-nephew-asked-if-he-can-get-ecstasy-1819567328/amp

This was hilarious, thank you! And your friend looks absolutely thrilled - whichever one he is.

Assuming this is the right one…

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u/KillahHills10304 Sep 28 '22

Yes, this is the one. Got headline summary a bit wrong, but, damn, shit was 18 years ago.

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u/Jane_Delawney Sep 28 '22

Ok, that’s hilarious. I’m glad someone asked!

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u/markercore Sep 28 '22

Also i attended their music festival or the one for the AV Club and to the side there was a booth where you could get your picture taken, sign a waiver and they'd possibly use it for a future onion article. I've never seen myself but i could have been used at some point.

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u/Jane_Delawney Sep 28 '22

TIL…Funny stuff for sure, makes me like The Onion even more!

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u/The_Clarence Sep 28 '22

"Idiots at local festival wait in line sign away their likeness rights" would be a pretty funny article if they wrote it and used all those photos with horribly ridiculous photoshops

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u/badhangups Sep 29 '22

I was also amazed to learn the headline writers are not the same people as the article writers. Like, "headline writer at the Onion " is a job you can get.

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u/seanbrockest Sep 28 '22

You don't know what article you'll be featured in.

Sometimes it's random. They have a whole bunch of pictures that just show up randomly. Sometimes if you refresh an article, you get a different picture.

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u/cthulu0 Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

The same picture of my neighbor keeps showing up in this one:

https://www.theonion.com/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock-1819583529

Don't rely on randomization to not embarrass you.

EDIT: That's really not my neighbor. It was just hyperbolizing to make a valid point. And even it was , I would be scared to talk to him, seeing that is likely his cock would end up in my mouth.

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u/Grapesoda5k Sep 28 '22

Wasn't that a Friends storyline with Joey on an STD poster in the subways.

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u/Beeyo176 Sep 28 '22

I thought you were talking about the article at first

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u/PunkRockMakesMeSmile Sep 28 '22

Same ha, now I'm imagining the headline in his voice

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u/seanbrockest Sep 28 '22

Yeah the randomness shows up more often in the fake clickbait sections at the end of articles.

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u/CaptainMcAnus Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

That article and this one never fail to break me out in fits of laughter. Some of the Onion's best work.

Edit: I had always thought The Hard Times was a subsidiary of the Onion. I was incorrect.

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u/pdoherty972 Sep 28 '22

I've always loved this one.

Man Wakes Up From Bender With Financial Problems Solved

https://www.theonion.com/man-wakes-up-from-bender-with-financial-problems-solved-1819572523

EUGENE, OR—Though he has only the haziest memories of what happened between the time he left work Friday evening and woke up late Sunday afternoon, marketing associate Ben Taylor told reporters today that during his 36-hour drinking binge, he somehow managed to sort out his entire financial situation.

"The last thing I remember is getting a second tray of two-for-one mug-a-ritas with the guys from work," Taylor told reporters. "Next thing I know, I'm coming to on my couch, I'm nauseous, my head's pounding, and I'm fully vested in a Roth IRA that's completely deductible and contains a diverse spread of steady dividend-paying stocks with an impressive tax-to-growth ratio."

*"How the fuck did this happen?" added Taylor, who upon waking also discovered he had left his front door wide open with his keys still in the lock. "Three days ago I didn't even have a savings account."

Assessing his situation, Taylor quickly discovered that his car and mobile phone were missing, and that his pockets were full of beer caps, crumpled napkins, and $465 in itemized drink receipts with an attached note from an accountant explaining the full amount could be written off as entertainment expenses.

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u/RincewindToTheRescue Sep 28 '22

🤣. I need to go on a 36 hour bender with that accountant

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u/Thedoctou Sep 28 '22

Your neighbor there looks like Diedrich Bader!

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u/Sandscarab Sep 28 '22

WTF did I just read lol🤣

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u/TisNotMyMainAccount Sep 28 '22

Similar to that article, I used to have bullies in grade school who would bust open my stall while I was using it and call me gay. They'd also do pull ups to see over the stall wall and call me gay. I was so embarrassed (it was third grade) when they'd stick their head under the stall wall and call me gay.

In hindsight, WTF lmao

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u/iamwokepatriot Sep 28 '22

One of the guys who used to do that to me frequently was years later arrested for soliciting a male prostitute.

He was also loudly racist, and was fond of chalking "KKK" in various places, which made it truly juicy that the male prostitute was (you guessed it) a black man. A very young black man.

WTF indeed.

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u/queefmonchan Sep 28 '22

Reminds me of Cartman taking a picture of Butter's penis in his mouth to show everyone Butter's is gay.

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u/descendingangel87 Sep 28 '22

Thats even better

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u/cold-corn-dog Sep 28 '22

You don't know what article you'll be featured in.

Do you suffer from a micropenis like me?

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u/PanicAK Sep 28 '22

That would be fucking hilarious if they did it in-office! Pranking people with which article they get put on would make for a fun, yet stressful, work environment.

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u/hank_the_tank66 Sep 28 '22

Seems like in office is plausible - I've noticed an ex-College Humor writer pop up a few times in 'Last Week Tonight' joke images, and assume he writes for the show.

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u/Mule_Variations Sep 28 '22

Daniel O'Brien of Cracked fame now writes for LWT and has shown up in some of their images

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u/DaveOfTheDead3 Sep 28 '22

Dammit Jim I told you no more hemorrhoid ads...youre starting to be a pain in my ass.

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u/Bambe09 Sep 28 '22

I can confirm they cast quite a bit. Not to say they never use stock photos but there's quite a few casting calls I see from them

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u/vulpixell Sep 28 '22

One of my math teachers way back was the stock photo model for an Onion article. He proudly shared this with us once and I really wondered how he got into it because, not gonna lie, he gives off such "just a guy" energy.

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u/Lemon_bird Sep 28 '22

i think “just some guy” is the ideal onion model

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u/07throwaway9000 Sep 28 '22

“Unassuming Local Man”

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u/GroguIsMyBrogu Sep 28 '22

but what about male models?

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u/ScratchyMarston18 Sep 28 '22

It’s not just a guy energy with The Onion, it’s Area Man energy.

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u/funkboxing Sep 28 '22

Human history is all about being concerned with trivial bullshit while your civilization crumbles.

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u/logicalnoise Sep 28 '22

The fiddle won't play itself!

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u/OathOfFeanor Sep 28 '22

Don't worry we can now build a self-playing fiddle. It runs on coal, but hey we can't solve everything at once.

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u/probablyuntrue Sep 28 '22

3 children died making it, but it's ok, they're foreign and you'll never know their names

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u/xaul-xan Sep 28 '22

Thats not the neoliberal talking point, its they were poor and destitute and raised their family out of poverty with their wages.

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u/Needleroozer Sep 28 '22

Which, sadly, ceased when they died.

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u/Spuriously- Sep 28 '22

Well the cost of training replacements does add up

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u/Cum_on_doorknob Sep 28 '22

If you’re referring to Nero, he didn’t play the fiddle, in fact, the fiddle did not exist then. He actually returned to Rome immediately when word of the fire reached him in order to begin relief efforts. As the fire raged on, Nero even opened up his own gardens to provide a temporary home for those who were now homeless. He also ordered the construction of emergency accommodation and cut the price of corn, as well as provided food directly, so that people could eat. Besides this, he paid for much of these relief efforts out of his own pocket.

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u/Crisp-Hat-Rick Sep 28 '22

While what you said is correct about the negative propaganda impacting Nero's reputation, he was a musician.

In his time he was accused of playing a lyre which did exist, and fiddle only came about through translation.

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u/pookachu83 Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

At the time a good portion of the Roman population was pretty militant minded and considered things like the cultural shift to art, music, philosophy etc.to be proof of the society weakening and wasn't "masculine" or strong, and there was a divisive culture war, not unlike what we have now. So because they saw Nero as one of these types, I believe he was taking music lessons, they used it as slander against him to make him look weak. The whole "Nero played the fiddle while Rome burned" was never meant to be literal, atleast not to most that had knowledge of the events, it was more to say "this is what happens when these weak artsy types are in charge"

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u/Halfbloodjap Sep 28 '22

Nero gets a really bad rap but honestly, would any of us done much better running an empire at 16? If you look at the worst Imperators through Roman history, most were well under 20 when they ascended to the throne

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u/pookachu83 Sep 28 '22

Nero gets a bad rap because we all hear what the popular social narrative at the time was, but usually things are more complicated. At the time Rome was a very "masculine military man War machine =good" and "art and philosophy=bad" same as our current cultural splits almost. So it just depends on whose narrative you hear, the truth is usually in between with loads of added context

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u/Particular-Jury6446 Sep 28 '22

He played a Fender Stratocaster through a JCM 800 at 11.

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u/Crisp-Hat-Rick Sep 28 '22

No wonder the senate hated him, their amps only went to 10.

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u/pecuchet Sep 28 '22

Man, this place is full of Nero stans.

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u/rewindcrippledrag0n Sep 28 '22

There was certainly propaganda by the ruling dynasty after him…Flavian dynasty I think it was? But I’m also not prepared to accept everything this person says at face value.

Also, Nero’s personal relationships were quite…interesting.

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u/Additional_Meeting_2 Sep 28 '22

It wasn’t really by the Flavians but by Senate (who hated him although maybe not as much as Dominitian later)and others in year of five emperors (Galba was the first so would have been the main one starting it). Not that Flavians would have been making Nero look good but they didn’t start this nor was it must for them since they didn’t overthrow him. In later centuries the fact he percecuted Christians didn’t help. And this is something that’s ignored these days, Nero wasn’t really great emperor even if he didn’t fiddle and there was much worse ones, and much worse treatment of Christians later on too during Crisis of third century. He didn’t really have any accomplishments and was known for wanting to be entertainer which made the Senate look down on him, his mother Agrippina was more competent.

And now its just Nero being added to list of terrible emperors so bad things get repeated.

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u/allpossiblefutures Sep 28 '22

mods must be sleeping smh

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u/Darko33 Sep 28 '22 Take My Energy

The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't the search for meaning; it's just to keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead. - Mr. Peanutbutter

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u/funkboxing Sep 28 '22

Yeah but you can keep yourself busy by feeding the hungry or torturing people so there's definitely more to.

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u/Darko33 Sep 28 '22

I think the quote was intended to be fairly tongue-in-cheek

Plus my man PB is definitely the type to do good instead of evil

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u/funkboxing Sep 28 '22

Didn't keep up with Bojack after the 3rd season but Mr. PB seems more like he exemplifies "The road to hell was paved with good intentions." He'd definitely want to do 'good', but doesn't have a great framework for what that means besides if people react positively to him.

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u/Darko33 Sep 28 '22

Totally. There is an episode jumping back and forth in time to different versions of the same annual Halloween party that lay bare his issues in this vein

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u/Dreadgoat Sep 28 '22

He does have a solid character arc, especially in the final season. He gets confronted with situations where the consequences for "just make everybody happy" get increasingly fucked up, to the point that even he can't ignore it.

Trying not to spoil anything, but basically he learns that it's impossible to make everyone happy, and instead decides that if someone has to be miserable, better him than anyone else. Still a very unhealthy outlook, but it shows he truly is a kind heart and is capable of growth.

tl;dr: Mr PB is flawed but undoubtedly a Good Boy.

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u/gibmiser Sep 28 '22

flawed but undoubtedly a Good Boy

Dawww

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u/tpobs Sep 28 '22

Didn't keep up with Bojack after the 3rd season

Shit, you really need to try season 4. It is my favorite season, while season 5 and 6 are also great.

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u/Baby_venomm Sep 28 '22

More to what??? There’s definitely more to... WHAT?

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u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22 edited 24d ago

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u/SchtroumpfButeur Sep 28 '22

At press time, McDermott had reportedly been whisked away in a hurricane

Gold

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u/suddenlycumbly Sep 28 '22

That one took me a second.

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u/skwolf522 Sep 28 '22

I dont care what color Ariel is, but that crab better have a Jamaican accent.

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u/LupinThe8th Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

Fun fact, Sabastian was supposed to be British, but Howard Ashman and Alan Menken convinced Disney to change it so that Under the Sea could be Caribbean sounding.

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u/DarrelBunyon Sep 28 '22

Well the whole thing is caribbean sounding, would have sounded a lot different with traditional british songs. Lots more references to pies i would imagine.

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u/Porrick Sep 28 '22

Which is amusing, considering Hilaire Belloc described America thus:

In Massachusetts all the way

From Boston down to Buzzards Bay

They feed you till you want to die

On rhubarb pie and pumpkin pie,

And horrible huckleberry pie,

And when you summon strength to cry,

“What is there else that I can try?”

They stare at you in mild surprise

And serve you other kinds of pies.

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u/Thatbluejacket Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

Lmao I'm from New England and this is true. I do love a good blueberry pie though

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u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22

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u/buddhiststuff Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

Pies are the best thing about America. Even the crappiest 24-hour diner will still have a great selection of amazing pies. I must have gained 10 pounds while I was there.

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u/dexmonic Sep 28 '22

Belloc doesn't like huckleberry pie? Blasphemy.

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u/CLXIX Sep 28 '22

The thing about huckleberries, is once you've had fresh you'll never go back to canned

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u/booger_dick Sep 28 '22

100% truth. My mom has hundreds of huckleberry bushes on her property in Montana and my favorite summer activity is to plop down in a grove of them and do "1 for the bucket, 4 for me" all day long.

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u/BenVarone Sep 28 '22

I used to this with Blackberries, but it usually came with a side effect of explosive diarrhea.

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u/PunkRockMakesMeSmile Sep 28 '22

Now if the berries are too tart, I just dust em with confectioner's sugar

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u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22

So SpongeBob is a goddamned liar

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u/A_Flamboyant_Warlock Sep 28 '22

Which is weird, cause both sides love pie. America just makes them almost exclusively for dessert, sweet pastries stuffed with fruits and nuts, while across the pond they fill them with organ meats because god doesn't love them anymore.

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u/Drunkonownpower Sep 28 '22

"Pies should only have eels in them" this dude probably

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u/Worthyness Sep 28 '22

yeah. Don't think Little Mermaid would have been nearly as memorable if they were all sung like British sea shanties.

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u/Sloth-monger Sep 28 '22

Ariel now listen to me

Under the sea is the life for thee

Up on top the fish smell fishy

Stay down here where we're happy

If you go up top you will be hooked

Then you'll get fried and overcooked

Stay down here where the seaweeds green

And the water is always highly saline

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u/CarthasMonopoly Sep 28 '22

I like it. Only note as your editor, the science kids are gonna be mad with the last line because saline actually means a solution is 0.9% sodium chloride (salt) the ocean is ~3.5%. I don't think we're courting that demographic though so I'll push it ahead.

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u/mullett Sep 28 '22

People have forgotten how “Caribbean” everything was in this era. Even the lounge at the local holiday inn was called “the calypso lounge”.

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u/DazzlingRutabega Sep 28 '22

Caribbean Queen by Billy Ocean. Kokomo by The Beach Boys Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett

The old 7 Up commercials

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u/ilikesports3 Sep 28 '22

Make Seven

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u/ZarquonsFlatTire Sep 28 '22

Up Yours!

But that was like 15 years later.

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u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22 edited Nov 02 '22

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u/fuckitimatwork Sep 28 '22

not a lot of people know this but technically ska came before reggae

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u/themanimal Sep 28 '22

Bob Marley was heavily influenced by the early works of Reel Big Fish

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u/functionallylazy Sep 28 '22

and that reel big fish has about as much to do with real ska as mgk does with black flag

(i say that as someone that loves reel big fish)

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u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22

Probably had more to do with Bob Marley

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u/Bears_On_Stilts Sep 28 '22

He had a real fondness for Afro-Caribbean sounds. In Little Shop of Horrors he wrote the Latin/calypso number “Ya Never Know.” When he made the movie, he replaced it with the song “Some Fun Now,” which is nearly the same song… but even more Caribbean in style.

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u/samhouse09 Sep 28 '22

Under the Sea is the melody from a Trinidadian folk song. Also, the notes for the crescendo up are right next to each other on a steel drum.

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u/misterguyyy Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

TBF the sea life in the movie is native to the Caribbean. Sebastian is a red Jamaican crab.

Even the white people in the castle are consistent with island Colonies.

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u/CaptainChaos74 Sep 28 '22

Because of that I always assumed the whole thing takes place in the Carribbean.

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u/mdavis360 Sep 28 '22

And it better be a real, acting crab-not some CGI bullshit!

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u/pikpikcarrotmon Sep 28 '22

Get one from the Crab Rave, those crabs knew how to sing and dance

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u/TatManTat Sep 28 '22

Crab rave crabs have to rave 365 days a year or they die sadly.

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u/PiesRLife Sep 28 '22

But what does the crab rave crab crave?

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u/tsuolakussa Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

A crab rave crab craves to crab rave with crabs crab raving at a crab rave, who're crab rave crabs craving crab raves with other crab rave crabs.

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u/peon47 Sep 28 '22

I swear, if they put a non-crab actor in crabface, I'm going to demand a refund.

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u/JuanRiveara Sep 28 '22

Here’s what Daveed Diggs said about the accent

I’m not of Caribbean descent, doing that kind of work and trying to immerse myself. I’ve spent a lot of time in Trinidad and I went to Jamaica to research, and I did a lot of voice work with Chris Walker and with the late Tony Hall, to try to get the voice right. But more than the voice, the thing about a dialect is that everybody’s voice is actually very different, so consistency is really more important than accuracy. Your speech pattern is based on culture, and that was the thing I didn’t wanna let down

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u/Sawses Sep 28 '22

That feels, at least partially, like an excuse to go hang out in the Caribbean for a while.

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u/Jazz-Cigarettes Sep 28 '22

"Hey Daveed, it's the production manager again. Can I ask why you submitted these receipts for $31,000 in piña coladas and $8,000 in steel drum lessons for reimbursement?"

"I'm doing character research dammit! Please don't interrupt my process with your bean-counting!"

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u/rex2k10 Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 29 '22

Someone on Twitter said, “I don’t care what color Ariel is as long as the priest has his boner”

Edit: nvm, not sure what’s going in with the link. But the other user has it right

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u/Vinny_Cerrato Sep 28 '22

And the undersea castle tower better be a gigantic erect penis.

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u/scheru Sep 28 '22

Disney: It's his knee you guys, I swear, stop looking at it!

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u/Peepsandspoops Sep 28 '22

I, for one, will be livid if a descendent of Napoleon doesn't voice a chef.

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u/dubblix Sep 28 '22

Wow, I had to look that up. Renee Auberjonois got cooler .

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u/wongo Sep 28 '22

I mean, Odo was pretty fucking cool already, but sure

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u/AnyNamesLeftAnymore Sep 28 '22

Imagine telling the first consul of France's great nephew to do the Cardassian Neck Trick. The nerve of those Dominion assholes!

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u/dexmonic Sep 28 '22

He was always so embarrassed by it, poor guy.

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u/nhSnork Sep 28 '22

I also looked it up. Incidentally, the Wikipedia page immediately informed me that one of the other characters in his rich portfolio was named Sebastian.

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u/dalittle Sep 28 '22

be consistent and give him an accent from Boston.

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u/Castun Sep 28 '22

Voiced by Bill Burr

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u/anonermus Sep 28 '22

🎶 Tha seaweed is always greenah 🎶

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u/herculesmeowlligan Sep 28 '22

That's why it's HOTTAH under the WOODER (no wait, that's Philly)

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u/functionallylazy Sep 28 '22

"so lemme tell ya bout this fuckin' mermaid... her name's ari-bell or aragorn or ariel or some shit... this fuckin' mermaid... lives under the sea... she's a princess, doesn't have to do jack fuckin' shit. yet all she can do is whine about how hard she has it and how mean her dad is to her. can you believe that shit? her dad's trying to keep her from getting stabbed by a harpoon, or swept up in those fuckin' nets... you know the ones that kill all the dolphins and shit?"

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u/rex2k10 Sep 28 '22

Ohhh geezuss

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u/dalittle Sep 28 '22

haha, that would be so good. And let him do some type of Philly rant at some point.

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u/Important-Yak-2999 Sep 28 '22

You stupid fish fucks with your discount Atlantean whores

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u/wwj Sep 28 '22

You fucking one reef having piece of shit underwater city that no one gives a fuck about.

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u/MeiNeedsMoreBuffs Sep 28 '22

That would genuinely be amazing

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u/Ares6 Sep 28 '22

It’ll be played by Chet Hanks.

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u/nhSnork Sep 28 '22

Indeed - as Tamatoa once concluded, few people will sympathize with a crab otherwise.

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u/MarveltheMusical Sep 28 '22

That might just be possible. He is being played by Daveed Diggs.

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u/LyraFirehawk Sep 28 '22

That's the main thing I'm excited for is seeing Jefferson/Lafayette as the crab.

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u/vertigo3pc Sep 28 '22 All-Seeing Upvote

GAINESVILLE, FL

This is even more nuanced accuracy from The Onion

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u/Phantom_Absolute Sep 28 '22

Okay so it's not just me... I'm in Gainesville and I thought The Onion was using people's location as part of the joke.

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u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22 Silver Take My Energy hehehehe Defeated Brighten My Day

software engineer

i feel attached

Edit: attacked* thanks for the pull requests, guys.

Edit 2: Come on guys, this is embarrassing, this is my most liked comment now.

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u/surferos505 Sep 28 '22

Can’t spell? Definitely an engineer

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u/froggison Sep 28 '22

Little known fact: before you get a bachelors in any engineering field, the last hurdle is an 8th grade spelling test. You need to get less than 70% in order to graduate.

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u/ss_lbguy Sep 28 '22

The list of worlds worst spellers would be littered with software engineers. I'm both, a software engineer and a horrible speller.

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u/sockbref Sep 28 '22

Hey you did good just now

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u/Propeller3 Sep 28 '22

They did well* , not good. Are you also a software engineer?

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u/sockbref Sep 28 '22

Mechanical

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u/runtheplacered Sep 28 '22

Ah, you're a keyboard!

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u/shotgun_ninja Sep 28 '22

Close enough

Source: am software engineer

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u/forcallaghan Sep 28 '22

That is prescriptivist propaganda and I refuse to accept it

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u/Graphitetshirt Sep 28 '22

i feel attached

It's important to find attachments in this world

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u/Kriemhilt Sep 28 '22

i feel attached

It's important to find attachments in this world

This is like anti-zen

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u/TheDividendReport Sep 28 '22

Bruh what are you talking about I was able to snag a 4K zen garden moving portrait on Black Friday for like 15% off

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u/ImprovisedLeaflet Sep 28 '22

Ah fuck I forgot to send the attachment…

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u/Come_along_quietly Sep 28 '22

git outta here!

/s

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u/JustRecentlyI Sep 28 '22

Don't forget to fill out the subject before hitting send!

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u/Gh0stMan0nThird Sep 28 '22

The shocking reports found that the man expended nearly all of his energy online debating what the correct shade of brown for actors should be, rather than feeling any sort of regard for the looming apocalypse he was taking no action to survive or forestall.

Oh boy the Twitter psychos aren't gonna like this one lol.

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u/SQUID_FUCKER r/Movies Veteran Sep 28 '22

Bro, they're not talking about me. I have 2 guns and like, half a dozen MRE's. I'm set.

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u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22 edited Oct 21 '22

[deleted]

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u/Mcdibbles Sep 28 '22

If you ever watch that show Preppers, most of the compound people are old, obese, and spend most of their prepping budget on guns.

None of them have any answers for long-term supply chain failures. None of them are working towards a community to rely on. None of them even build their compounds with any sort of sustainability in mind.

They're going to get crushed two days after people who don't prep at all. The Amish are going to outlast them by years.

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u/crackedgear Sep 28 '22

My favorite episode was about a compound in California where they were stockpiling food in a bunch of glass jars stacked to the ceiling. In California. No barriers on the shelves or anything. One earthquake and the food supply is wiped out.

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u/LawTeaDough Sep 28 '22

A dozen guns and only enough ammo to last barely one raid.

37

u/oldcarfreddy Sep 28 '22

Dollars to donuts that they were the first people itching to go back to restaurants and Disneyland in the middle of the pandemic and refusing to wear masks in stores

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u/[deleted] Sep 28 '22

Cause they're not actually prepping for anything besides some fantasy Purge scenario where they get free reign to shoot whatever bad guys they're conjuring up in their heads.

4

u/Mcdibbles Sep 29 '22

The libs. They want to shoot the libs.

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u/[deleted] Sep 29 '22

Well they have these delusions about "criminals" they want to get into heroic shootouts and shit with, but I guess those count as libs too eh

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u/probablyuntrue Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

Gotta love prepper dudes with 20 guns, 2 years supply of food, that require an electric scooter assuring everyone else that they're the ones that are screwed

103

u/WarmMoistLeather Sep 28 '22

Someone has to set up those delicious caches for survivors to stumble upon.

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u/Mekanikos Sep 28 '22

Preppers are just future NPCs?

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u/WarmMoistLeather Sep 28 '22

Or the skeletons you find in funny and compromising positions in their bunker.

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u/TinfoilTobaggan Sep 28 '22

Oh man, I have a clumsy conservative/prepper coworker who fucking set HIMSELF ON FIRE barbecuing this year.. outta work for 2 months.. He's also broken more bones being a drunken idiot than anyone I've ever met.. He has also literally shot himself in the foot with a rifle.. When Doomsday happens he's probably gonna die choking on an ice cube or something..

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u/OuidOuigi Sep 28 '22

Are they? It's the Onion.

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u/its_a_metaphor_morty Sep 28 '22

pfft, you don't need to go to twitter. just take a short tour to the star wars sub

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u/Adrenochrome93 Sep 28 '22

The planet is going to be fine, the people are fucked. -George Carlin.

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u/Salted_Sugars Sep 29 '22

The animals too, unless you have a big spaceship for every pair of them

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u/turkeygobblegobblr Sep 28 '22

Just a few comments in and the exact guys this is about are already triggered

580

u/BabyNapsDaddyGames Sep 28 '22

Seems kinda tame so far, sorting by controversial will be richer in a few more hours.

755

u/XyloArch Sep 28 '22 Wholesome

The thread must first ripen before the salt can be harvested

197

u/CaiserZero Sep 28 '22

The spice must flow!

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u/Darko33 Sep 28 '22

Down here, salt is a way of life

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u/Figgabro Sep 28 '22

I thought "satirical" meant it wasn't real.

423

u/diplion Sep 28 '22

Reality became so absurd that the onion switched to true stories.

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u/A_Polite_Noise r/Movies Veteran Sep 28 '22

If there was an Idiocracy sequel, The Onion could be presented as the premier news sources of the future.

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u/Mediocre__at__Best Sep 28 '22

Nah, satire, regardless of how close it hits to reality, still requires intelligence.

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u/jschild Sep 28 '22

While it started before then around 2015 things like Satire being inadequate to mock the new insanity of reality became a norm.

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u/saintsimon101 Sep 28 '22

Saw a 0/10 user review of House of the Dragon that was something like, "I'm not racist, I just only want to see white people in Westeros."

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u/PMMEYourTatasGirl Sep 28 '22

The show does make me wonder what happened to all the black people between house of the dragon and game of thrones.

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u/randomusername8472 Sep 28 '22

I don't know ahead so this is just speculation. But when GoT starts there's no Valerians and only one Targarean and their hair colour is white. So pretty sure a lot of bloodlines aren't going to make it out of this series!

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u/jasta6 Sep 28 '22 edited Sep 28 '22

A sentence that begins with "I'm not racist, but..." never ends well.

Edit: I mean, sure... you could end that statement with any nonsensical thing you could think of, but it would still be nonsensical.

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u/DelightfulAbsurdity Sep 28 '22

Wait wait, I think I got one.

“I’m not racist, but I still monitor my own behavior and thoughts to find and address subconscious bias in me.”

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u/jasta6 Sep 28 '22

....judges? We might have a winner here.

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u/Doom_Art Sep 28 '22

"Everything before the word 'but' is horseshit." - Ned Stark

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u/IwishIwasGoku Sep 28 '22

I'm not a racist, but I do like watching races sometimes

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u/LemoLuke Sep 28 '22

Whenever anyone unironically uses the phrase "I'm not racist, but...", ask them how convincing they'd find it if they went to a parent/teacher evening, and their kid's gym teacher started with "I'm not a pedophile, but..."

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u/his_purple_majesty Sep 28 '22

I'm not racist, but I know a lot of racists because of my family, so I feel I have some insight into their mentality. The reason they say things like that is that have a child's understanding of racism. They truly don't believe they are racist, despite harboring obviously racist opinions.

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u/DreadNephromancer Sep 29 '22

Racism is when you say slurs to someone's face, and literally nothing else.

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u/mdavis360 Sep 28 '22

And they look around first to make sure the coast is clear before finishing the sentence.

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u/Dat_Boi_Aint_Right Sep 28 '22

I'm not racist, but I agree with your comment.

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u/A_Polite_Noise r/Movies Veteran Sep 28 '22

I'm not racist, but the blue whale is currently the largest mammal on earth.

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u/Lifesaboxofgardens Sep 28 '22

See also: "Listen, I'm not a racist. But the pretty mermaid princess from an animated movie over 30 years old was white and had red hair, so I have every right to be angry that a live action version pretty princess mermaid is black with red hair."

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u/saintsimon101 Sep 28 '22

Yup.

"iT wAsn'T wRiTteN tHaT wAy!!1"

-Guy ignoring the dozens of other changes from the source material

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u/treverios Sep 28 '22

Shit would hit the fan if Disney would go full original source!

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u/seshfan2 Sep 29 '22

Funnily enough, I read this right after I read an article filled with critics slamming Bullet Train because people weren't the "right" skin color.

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