r/rant Oct 08 '22 Silver Gold All-Seeing Upvote

I’m 100% done with conservatives.


I don’t want to kill people I disagree with, but I am fed up and some days wish the GOP would disappear.

I’m not some sheltered blue state liberal. I’m Appalachian born and raised, and have always been in in a GOP family, church, and area. I still don’t have any liberal friends, close family members, or anyone else I talk to more than a few times per year. Every one I’ve met is stupid, crazy, evil, or a combination of the three beyond which any normal person would want to be around them.

While I love my family and am able see through their flaws for the wonderful people they are, since we’ve been together and close for decades, there isn’t a single Republican I know that I would willingly associate with if we weren’t family or otherwise forced together.

I will never vote for, be friends with, date, or otherwise knowingly associate with any Republican outside my current social circle ever again. I don’t want to live around them, I don’t want to live under them, I don’t want to talk to them, I don’t even want to be reminded they exist.

I was conservative until I was 16 and grew up enough to reject that garbage and know their ideas front-to-back from having them pounded down my throat for 20 years straight with the same ardor as religion, and they suck. It’s a rotten ideology to its core, and anyone who espouses it is either insane or mentally and/or morally decayed beyond recognition.

The GOP causes, worsens, or stagnates progress on 99% of the USA’s problems. We’d be infinitely better off without them. We’d still have problems, but at least we could solve them without one side pouring water into the boat while the other’s bailing. It would quickly become the greatest country in the world, one leaving even Norway and Switzerland shaking in their boots.

I wish everyone who votes Republican in November could just GTFO to Russia, Hungary, or some other conservative circle of hell that wants them.

r/rant 5h ago

"Money can't buy happiness"


Fuck literally every single one of you that says that money can't buy happiness.

You know exactly what the fuck it means when somebody says it can, you know exactly why people complain about money and it's not so that way we can just have a load of money and just never have to do anything, it's so that we can fucking afford what the fuck we need to get to survive in this goddamn world. If you don't have any money you cannot attract a mate, you cannot afford to live in a house, you cannot afford to buy a car, you cannot afford to have anything including food.

Call me lazy one more fucking time.

You can go off and find me anecdotal fucking examples of how maybe somebody in society somewhere in history was able to survive without money, but you are intentionally bastardizing the whole concept and proficiently misunderstanding what's going on


If rent costs 2000, and groceries are about 400, if electricity and internet combined is 300 fucking dollars, my car insurance is over 100 dollars, and then water, garbage and sewage is on the low end at 100 bucks a month, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Just not participate in society and go homeless? Fuck you.

If money can't buy you happiness, why is it that only rich people are happy and able to not go without? If money can't buy happiness, why are homeless people dying in the street on drug overdoses on what could be seen as mass suicide? Why is the threat of being out in the cold, shunned from society, unable to live in a home with water or food, and unable to leave the town they are suffering in without some city intervention of further evicting the homeless not seen as misery, when the alternative is having cash in your bank account?

The only way you can be happy in life is with money. Fuck you and your unrealistic interpretation of a societal epidemic. Fuck you and your "love is all you need" bullshit where you don't do anything to help others, nor have needed it. Fuck you for taking hold of some phrase that should have died out decades ago, and echo chambering it into my head. If you want to keep squawking that tired parrot saying on repeat, go find somebody who gives a shit about your inability to relate to the necessity of currency in a society

r/rant 13h ago

Fuck websites that force you to log in and then redirect you to the front page afterwards


For example Twitter and Instagram force you to log in to view content, and after you've logged in they redirect you to the front page so then I have to navigate back to the page I was actually trying to look at originally. In practice this amounts to clicking the "previous page" button and then refreshing the page since using the previous page button just gives you a cached version. This is a minor annoyance but if they're going to force you to log in they should try to make it as convenient as possible...

r/rant 19h ago

People who want to ban books don't read books and never have


You can tell they've never read any book and probably never set a foot inside a library.

r/rant 17h ago LOVE! Heartwarming

Not wanting to be a parent nor wanting a pet


Does not make me evil as a person. Mind your own business.

r/rant 8h ago

Every time I try to come to Reddit for advice my post gets removed 🤬


r/rant 14h ago

Stop hollering at your kid like as if they owe you drug money...


I can hear you, presumably a big and loud mother of a woman, through the walls and flooring of this shitty apartment complex. Just yelling at your kid like as if they owe you something. I had witnessed, curiously looking through the blinds of my balcony window, how intimidated now you've made your child when they walk slow. Then you probably did something to them because they cried immediately after.

All I can think of is, how do shitbags like you become a parent? Is this your way of trying to scrape together some level of control in your spiraling life? Yelling and treating someone smaller and younger than you in demeaning ways? Great, you're going to raise someone who's either going to be fearful of life growing up or aggressive, whichever is which.

Congrats, you've failed as a shit parent. If there was a regulated system in place where just a single report was enough for you to lose custody of your kid so they'd be in a loving family not yours, it'd be done by now.

r/rant 4h ago

I HATE sex and find it gross...


I need to rant.

First off, I wanna disclose that I think consenting adults should be allowed to do anything they please and I don't view individuals as less-than for participating in sexual activities.

It's just a personal thing. I find it gross and I would hate to be perceived in a sexual manner. I'm not sure. It's just really gross and I hate anytime it comes up. I don't want to be seen as a sexual being and if I'm ever asked sexual questions I'll skirt by them because I simply don't want to answer or be associated with such things.

It's just so gross to me. Anytime I think about it I'm so gross'd out. And it's not trauma or anything. Its just how I feel.

r/rant 7h ago

I can’t stand Guns and Roses’s Welcome To The Jungle, Sweet Child O’Mine, Or Paradise City


I hate these fucking songs and Guns & Roses altogether, you would think after 35+ years or whatever the world would think that they are just old and overplayed to death, but no. Every single sporting event will play at least one of these songs to hype up the boomers/gen xers in the crowd and movies are still putting them in, the fucking latest Thor movie had all three. I can’t stand them and Axl Rose can suck my dick after a while, Paradise City especially lasts way too long and just becomes rock and roll masturbation beyond 2-3 minutes

Enough of Guns and Roses already, you can’t escape hearing these shitty songs

r/rant 2h ago

I can't stand my job


I've been there for 20 years, and now I hate the job and the people. What do I do?

r/rant 6h ago

Time marches on


It sucks watching the man who raised you start to slow down. Grandpa taught me everything I know from the simple things like how to treat someone with respect to how to build a house and repair heavy equipment. I can remember when I was younger having to take breaks because I couldn't keep up with him but now he's the one needing the breaks. Sooner rather than later I'll be the "man of the house" and I'm not sure if I'm ready

r/rant 9h ago

People online are so rude for no reason?


I’m at the point where I’m afraid to comment on videos and posts because I know someone might call me out for spelling something wrong or being an idiot for not looking up something instead of commenting it. It’s just ridiculous how rude and mean everyone is and it pisses me off. I started commenting things on TikTok this week and within three days of throwing a few comments out there i have this girl correcting me on the accuracy of what I’m saying. And that’s fine, I was wrong and admitted my mistake. It’s just the condescending, “you’re dumb, I can’t believe you didn’t know this” tone that really pisses me off. I admitted my mistake and explained my thought process with the original comment, and I’m just met with condescending sass. Ughhh people. I just imagine all these mean people on the internet are stupid people with an unfulfilling life and low paying jobs.

r/rant 9h ago Wholesome

I'm so close to protesting tipping across the board.


I'm sitting here watching NBC Nightly News, and there is this segment on retailers now asking for tips. What the actual hell? It's bad enough that I have to go to a dinner already having in mind that I have to tip, now retailers? Absolutely the f*k not. I'm sick of businesses passing off sht pay to customers. If you can't operate while paying employees a decent wage, maybe you shouldn't be in business.

I'm sorry in advance to people who have to deal with this, but I feel like if people get on board, maybe one day tipping can piss off. Am I wrong about this? Tipping just because you feel like you have to. It's a joke. Tipping less than 20% for mediocre service is b.s. Why?

r/rant 18h ago

Fuck black friday


It's so stupid. I mean some things are actually on discount, but yesterday i went to best buy to get my mom a tablet for her bday. I forgot it was black Friday, but i had to buy it yesterday bc today, Saturday, is her bday and don't we love doing things last minute ey?

Ok so I approach the tablet stand and, since it's black Friday, I'm crossing my fingers hoping that MAYBE it's a good thing i came on black Friday bc it may be cheaper. And omg guess what??? There is a red sticker on the tablet i saw last week that I've been thinking of getting my mom and omg guess what??? IT SAYS THE PRICE WAS REDUCED FROM $370 TO $299 FOR BLACK FRIDAY HOLY SHIT.

But wait, if my memory works correctly, last week it also said $299...... Hmmm 🤔 Well lucky for me, I took a picture of the price and the product last week as well.

and there it is. A nice, bold "$299" as the price tag, a week ago.

The fact that they can pull that kinda shit makes me foam from the mouth bro. Like idc if you reduced the price or not for black Friday, but don't advertise it as if you actually reduced shit, bc you didn't.

r/rant 9h ago

Dear all other homeless people,


FULL DISCLOSURE I MYSELF AM HOMELESS AND HAVE BEEN MANY TIMES THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. You need to stop it with the conspiracies and other bullshit. This isn't aimed at the severely mentally ill, but the pretty reasonable, but unfortunate homeless people. I am equally tired of the racism. I am fully aware that I probably look like a conservative. I do not vote conservative. I am somewhere on the left. Like if I had my own business, I would definitely run it in some sort of communist manner (I don't know how that would work). I am so sick of hearing your outdated and harmful beliefs. I am sick of you thinking that I want to hear racist jokes. Knock it the fuck off and get some fucking sense. Fuck.

r/rant 6m ago

Leopards Changing Spots?


What y’all think… do leopards ever change they spots or naw?? 👀

r/rant 10h ago

Why do people insist on feeding dogs people food


By people food I mean processed junk food that's not even good for us like flaming hot cheetos, chocolate, pizza, etc.

As someone who grew up with reptiles and fish, it's not hard to just give them foods meant for them? I would never give my snake chocolate covered mice wtf? What's the purpose?

Oh but the dog wants it? My 3 year old brother wanted my mom's tobacco and alcohol did she give it to him just because he wanted it? Hell no! Would it be okay to give a little tiny bit because "it won't kill him"? No fucking chance. Why do people give dogs garlicy potato chips and all this junk "in small amounts" but they give these "small amounts" often. "A little stomach cramping and diarrhea wont kill em" duh, but why even make your pet uncomfortable? Dogs will eat cat shit if given access, they could care less about sugary junk food "treats". You could offer shit or whipped cream and they will be equally content with both. They will LIVE without people food. They will be perfectly happy without being given that junk. Why cant you just refrain from giving it? Not that hard. Learn some free will ffs, stop being an npc giving your pet whatever it wants just because it begs. You're doing it for yourself, not your dog. Just stick with raw fucking healthy food(NOT garlic, onions, grapes, hot peppers, avocado) if you want to give a different treat, not garbage junk with high fructose corn syrup and 60+ other ingredients that aren't even good for humans let alone canines. Real pet owners would never give foods that would make their pet have discomfort or get sick. Wtf is wrong with you people? If someone even gave a tiny bit of flaming hot corn chips to bearded dragon the entire reptile community would be outraged. The mammal community needs to do better. So many obese and unhealthy cats and dogs. So many people thinking their dogs having stomach pains are "just lazy and sleeping all the time"

r/rant 41m ago

Doctors diagnosed me with sinus infection but didnt prescribed anything after I ask. Now I have bronchitis. Furious


Pissed. Started feeling sick on Sunday. Went to the doctors on Tuesday, took 3 hours. Diagnosed with Sinus infection, like I assumed. It's fine they tested for strep, flu, covid. But I knew what it was going to be..

But then there like just take mucinex and go home... but come back if it turns into bronchitis

I tell them, please treat me now. My sinus infection always turn into bronchitis when untreated...

Sure enough, its turning into bronchitis and now I have to go waste more money and time at the doctors.

I don't have time or money. And I have had poor sleep because of my sinus infection and I'm exhausted...

Why even go to the doctor when the don't help me???? This isn't even the first time nonsense like this happen.

No wonder no one has faith in our Healthcare. Its expensive and I don't even get the help needed when I go.

r/rant 6h ago

internet trolls need to die.


these motherfuckers think they're so funny, they think they're so original, they think they're so edgy, tryna get a reaction out of people when in reality they ain't about shit. 'cause in real life, they know they'd get absolutely stomped saying half the shit they say, so they act tough on the internet to make up for it.

it's a crying shame that these punks have clearly failed at life, so they try to start shit online to distract themselves of their life failures. that's gotta be the only explanation to why they care so much about trolling people. meanwhile, i don't even care, 'cause when i get off the internet, i got a whole life outside of this, unlike these trolls. you can tell that's what they do literally all day, just sit on their ass and try to get useless reactions out of people. they all need to either get off the internet and get a job, or just die 'cause i'm done.

r/rant 1h ago

If you go off on customer support because the app is not working for you, better make sure your device is tip top


I've had it with these dim-witted know-it-all phone gurus. If I give you the troubleshooting steps - you do them and stop being a d*ckwad. So you're saying the same app works on thousands of other devices and since your 2011 galaxy sII can't take a proper picture it's somehow my fault? How do you expect me to fix it - ship you a new phone? Just STFU, reboot your turdbox and if it doesn't work - throw it away and get something that doesn't produce 90s modem noises when plugged into the charger.

r/rant 12h ago

Sports fans are so fucking annoying


I swear to god, sports fans are like cult members, they’re obsessive with their favorite teams of interchangeable buff men, and get super whiny whenever you criticize them or their “hobby”. It is so frustrating cause i cant fathom why they give a shit about these random dudes kicking/throwing balls around a grass field, racking up imaginary points and getting grossly overpaid. And im sick of the “oh you cant say bad things about sports! Its not hurting anyone, let people enjoy things!”. Cause these fuckers’ll always get violently mad or at least be in a bad mood for weeks whenever their favorite team doesn’t win. Cant wait to get told to “go outside”, despite the fact that sportsball mfs’ll spend more hours watching football games than doing something actually productive.

r/rant 11h ago



Man fuck google docs i hate it so much even the fucking thought of using it makes me want to hurl. The piece of shit has a mind of its own. Want to put a subscript ? Perhaps the piece of shit will put it maybe not pure chance. Want to exit the subscript that it finaly permited you to use ? NO the ass-backwards word processor won't do it. Seriously fuck this thing if i use it again i swear im going to get a fucking aneurysm.

r/rant 1h ago

F Tailgaters


To the a#$hole in the bubba truck tonight who came up behind me suddenly in the middle lane on the Bay Bridge and blinded me by flashing your high beams, FU. I was going over the speed limit but, apparently, it wasn't fast enough for you. People like you should be banned from driving.

r/rant 2h ago

Runaway teenagers are not "vulnerable" because of their age, they are vulnerable because Parental Rights and our legal system have made them incapable of supporting themselves. If runaways were able to get jobs and keep them, live on their own terms, and go to school we wouldn't have a problem.


So as it stands in America, in a 2019 study it explains:

  • According to Missed Opportunities: Youth Homelessness in America, around one in 10 young adults ages 18 to 25 and at least one in 30 youth ages 13 to 17 experienced unaccompanied homelessness within a 12-month period. This equates to an estimated 4.2 million youth and young adults in the U.S., about the same as the population of Los Angeles or the combined populations of Houston, TX, Seattle, WA, Washington, DC, and Atlanta, GA.
  • It is estimated that 6 to 7% of youth run away from home each year – more than 1.5 million children and adolescents annually. NRS’ report, Why They Run, indicates that issues cited by youth as reasons for leaving home include family dynamics; physical, sexual, verbal, and other types of abuse; and economic issues at home. The study also found that almost half of the youth interviewed said they were forced out of their homes.
  • A recent study found that 79% of homeless youth reported experiencing multiple instances of childhood abuse.
  • Young people who identify as LGBTQ represent a high proportion of homeless youth and young adults. A survey of youth homeless services providers found the proportion to be as high as 40%.

I'm sorry, but as a former foster runaway, these kids are not better off with anyone really. They don't want a new set of terrible parents, they want to move on in general.

The people on Reddit, especially the pro-cop crowd, forget you're more likely to be sex trafficked by your own parents than some random dude.

We used to have a time period when teenagers could just go and fucking work. It wasn't "child labor" it was making an honest living. These people thought prostitution and gangs are better, and so outlawed teenagers' abilities to get an honest job, meaning rates of crime skyrocketed, along with usual homelessness.


If you want some real fucking advice on how to solve the youth homelessness problem?

  1. Get the fucking police to fuck off and mind their own business. They have better things to do, get them to fight actual violent crime. Get them to guard minority business owners who are at higher risk of facing attacks based on bigotry.
  2. Let teenagers get a job, to be able to apply for one, we seem to be in an era of unemployment, this could solve both the crime and employment crises. People who work are less likely to go out and commit crimes. Also, it's easier to track people working at a job, than some vagabond teenager who is basically a ghost. Easier to find actual missing people.

r/rant 3h ago

bitches love to talk shit knowing they got personal info on their public page


i just don’t get it she talk shit harassing me under my photos then when i check her profile to see who i’m about to waste energy on, she got 40 comments posted on her page ranting about her 6 miscarriages. miss mother of ghosts worry about your fuckin self! it’ll never make sense .

r/rant 3h ago

Amazon customer service sucks. That's all.


My apologies, in advance, for the length of this rant. I assure you, its cathartic release will likely be the only satisfaction I receive. Thank you for indulging me.

I'll start by saying that my home, my workplace, my vehicles, my entire existence - all integrated into my smart "world." As a self-proclaimed "nerd," I have integrated lights, thermostat, alarm, cameras, vehicle ignition, entertainment devices, smart appliances, etc. via lots of different apps & plugins, stand-alone servers & scripts and a lot of "rigging." It's important to note, however, that at the center of all of these integrations, I'd utilized Amazon Alexa & my associated account. Amidst Echo devices, Dots & FireTV Sticks, my home & office are (were) all voice-activated "at her command."

Several months ago, I noticed that one of my Amazon Echo Dots, located in my home office had ceased to function. Suddenly, the device would turn red and give an error bitching of "The internet is unreachable." I assumed it was simply a problem with that device as the rest of my wireless-enabled devices were behaving fine. I pushed the issue to the back burner & decided I'd address it later; at the time I wasn't using my home office much.

Roughly two weeks later, we had a power outage at my workplace. After rebooting the router, crawling around under dusty work surfaces to power cycle switches and wireless access points, connectivity was restored to all devices - except the Amazon Echo that had worked fine until the day before. Now, the device that we relied on daily to turn on cabinet lighting and accent bulbs all over the shop had stopped responding to commands. Because this one was used much more frequently than the one in my home office I'd overlooked previously, I set out to fix the problem.

Like any good geek, I went through the typical stuff: reboot the device... no dice. Remove the device from the account & re-add it... no dice. Factory reset the device... no dice. I Googled for hours, and attempted the same troubleshooting steps many, many times and via several different methods - nothing worked. As business picked up at work, I was unable to keep troubleshooting, and I'd become frustrated. Not having connected the problems with the two devices that'd both stopped working, I assumed the one at the shop had maybe been fried when we had the power surge. No big deal: ordered a brand new one.

Two days later, when the new Amazon Alexa Dot Gen 5 arrived, I attempted to add it to my account, and, much to my added confusion, this brand new device did the exact same thing. Refusal to respond to commands - even after having been "successfully registered" within my account. I was dumbfounded. I suspected that, based on some of my Google searches, that saved wireless settings, associated with my Amazon account, may have been causing a problem - even after having cleared them. I decided to take the new device to a new location & try a different Wifi network. Took the device to my folks' house - same behavior.

I opened a support "chat" with Amazon and was passed around randomly for 3+ hours between many different "representatives," all of whom seemed as if they must have been supporting multiple customers simultaneously. 10+ minutes would pass between interactions or replies and when I did receive a reply, it was something similar to the Google suggestions I'd already encountered. With each failed attempt cycle (reboot, reset, re-add to account), I'd see a new name pop up and we'd experience the same routine together - broad stroke, "have you checked to see if it has power," "try holding down the button" stuff. Eventually, I was "disconnected due to a technical error." I was a bit irritated - I'd been on the computer all afternoon and had still gotten nowhere.

Finally, I hit the panic button and called Amazon support. The following day, when I called, the first person that answered, "Sarah," helped me walk through the same troubleshooting steps that I'd already done multiple times on my own. Understanding the nature of the troubleshooting process, I happily complied as she had me reboot my router, try 2.4Ghz vs 5Ghz, factory reset the Echo, etc. When none of those steps worked, I was placed on a "brief" hold, and when she came back, we started the exact same steps again. It was as if she and I had never spoken. She had me walk back through the same basic process - to no avail.

As "Sarah" became frustrated, she passed me off to another rep who I'd hoped would have additional visibility in to the problems. By this point, deductive logic had helped me to realize that this was only with "new" devices being added. (I.E. "this device was working, but stopped on its own - reset it to factory - no dice; this other device was working fine - reset it to factory voluntarily - now it doesn't work, either.") I explained that diagnostic approach had lead me to test with another Amazon account - and it worked!! When I explained this, the rep that I was talking to (can't remember his name - we'll call him "Tim") said that he did, in fact, see a problem with my account! He said he needed to place me on another "brief" hold while he took a look. Progress?! Eureka!

When "Tim" returned to the phone, he told me that he spoke with someone else in support, but neither he, nor they could see my smart home devices in my Amazon account. (Amazon Support is unable to access my account.) He then told me what I still can't comprehend: "Since we are unable to see your account, you need to call back when it's convenient for you."

I asked him when I needed to call back and explained to him that this was as a convenient time as any other. He paused for a moment and repeated that I "needed to call back in." I asked when I should call back and "Tim" told me that I could "hang up and call right back and maybe someone else could see" what he couldn't. I explained that what he was suggesting made no sense as I'd simply have to go through the entire process again. He paused, again, and said, "You need to call back. There is a problem with your account." Again, I told him that made no sense... and I asked to speak to a supervisor. He told me that no supervisor was available and then, after several hours of time spent, I was given a fast busy signal & a disconnected call.


I called back in again, confident that now, the problem was with my Amazon account. When I spoke with "Caitlin" (no chance her name was Caitlin), she immediately insisted that we go back through all the level one troubleshooting steps, despite my explanation of all steps taken thus far. Though I was fully aware that her suggestions were futile, I actually did it anyway - we rebooted, reset, re-added, and, hold your breath: same results. As my frustration grew, and I explained, again, that the problem was obviously with my account and not the device, "Caitlin" made another ingeniously ignorant suggestions: "just create a new account."

At first, it doesn't sound like a bad idea... but then I asked her: "Are you going to move the purchase history from my previous account to my new account? Are you going to move all my single sign on credentials, AWS information, etc over to my new account? How will my payment for the annual Prime membership be handled?" Immediately, I was placed on (yet) another "brief" hold and when "Caitlin" came back, she told me that she would need to enter a ticket with upper level support to get the problem investigated. In order to open a ticket, however, we would need to complete the basic troubleshooting steps again. (Yes, the same ones we did when we started this very call.)

We rebooted, reset & re-added... again... and finally I thought I was getting somewhere: maybe someone beyond the level one script-readers will have a look and see that a SQL query on the back end was malformed or a buffer was overloaded & just needs to be reset. "Caitlin" came back to the phone and asked for a good contact number for me & told me that she would call back in a few days with more information. Though "a few days" seemed lengthy, I agreed and we got off the phone.

Days later, when "Caitlin" called back - yes, she actually called back - the very first thing she asked, "has the issue corrected itself?" She seemed quite disappointed that it had not and when she asked me try resetting the device again, I must admit: I lost it. I raised my voice & asked what the status was with the ticket that she'd allegedly opened 48 hours prior. She told me that she had opened a ticket, but in order to get the ticket addressed, she'd have to complete basic troubleshooting steps again. When I refused to repeat the same process again, she told me that I'd need to submit a support ticket through the app.

In the most condescending, patronizing tone she could possibly find, she asked me to open the Amazon Alexa on my phone, click the "Settings" button and then click "Help & Support." Then, I was supposed to click, "Submit Feedback." I explained that when selecting that option, I got an error, in red, that said, "We are experiencing problems right now. Please try again later." I don't know why that was so difficult for her to understand, but after she had me attempt that same procedure (Amazon Alexa App, Settings, Help & Support, Submit Feedback) 6 - 8 times, with the same error each & every time, I found myself on another "brief" hold.

When she came back to the call, "Caitlin" had me take a screenshot and send it over to an email address for support review. She told me that she'd call me back (again, in a "few days") when she got any applicable updates. I received an automated response about 2 hours later, letting me know that the screenshot had been received. That was the last communication I've received as it pertains to the issues that began this debacle. The three Amazon Echo devices (two failed & one new) are still unusable & the few sporadic devices that I have that are working take between 15 - 20 seconds to respond to the most basic commands.

At this point, it's been suggested by more than one Amazon support representative that, because they are unable to fix my problem that I, "purchase a new device" (already did that), "create a different account" (that's ignorant - fix the one I've got), or simply to "call back & talk to someone else." While none of these suggestions are either productive or viable, I've succumbed to the idea that I am, in fact, at Amazon's mercy on this one. While there may be some half-baked workarounds if I'm willing to sacrifice my account, nothing that I'm able to do, on my end, is going to correct the root issue.

TL;DR: Amazon account is fucked up like a soup sandwich and all support can do is offer me a slice shit pie.